It's been a long time since I could look at the blank computer screen and find the words I wanted to say. Even now my mind is on the verge of a complete break down.
So, I will simply start by saying I love you.
It is the beginning of that time of year once again. The time where the day dreams of your tiny toddler hands consume my quiet hours. The times I wish you were here and the empty chair at the table seems to be patiently awaiting your arrival. I will participate in the Capture Your Grief photo challenge for the third time since you've been gone. I will remember you at the M.E.N.D. balloon release and on Infant Loss Awareness Day, lighting candles in your memory. I will watch the neighborhood kids run around the streets on Halloween and wonder what you would have been this year.
Come Thanksgiving I will fondly remember the beautiful 38 weeks we shared as a family of three. I will light a candle at the M.E.N.D. Candlelight Ceremony and sing silent night to you. I will celebrate Hanukkah, carefully pulling your menorah from the shelf and lighting it in place of you. I will watch your cousin tear in to his Christmas presents for the first time and imagine the mess two little boys could make with so much wrapping paper. The New Year will come and go, and as usual it will be bitter sweet to witness the end of another year you've never seen.
In March we will celebrate your cousins very first birthday! (I'm sure you'll be blowing kisses from heaven) And a few days later we will gather in memory of you. We will smile and cry, release balloons and have some messy cake. And to close off the evening oh so perfectly, we will send floating lanterns to heaven just for you!
You will be my big three year old!
And if all goes well, I pray so hard it does, we will be welcoming your baby brother or sister into the world only a few weeks after your birthday.
