When The Bough Breaks...Losing Gabriel

My world came to a shattering halt at 11:10am on March 28,2012. It was a Wednesday, the weather was beautiful and sunny but as I walked into my doctors office, the nerves that had been keeping me awake most of the night became almost unbearable. On Tuesday I hadn't been feeling Gabriel move, he had done this before, going on sleeping sprees that lasted all day. I had finally decided to drink juice but fell asleep when I was supposed to be doing my fetal kick counts. I assumed he had probably moved but I think a part of me knew in my heart something was wrong. I called Labor & Delivery, they said to come in as soon as possible. I had difficulty with Gabriel and decreased fetal movement through out the pregnancy, and every time I ended up back home within the next day or so, what would it hurt to wait until my appointment the next morning? Gary offered to come home from work but I knew we needed the money with the baby coming and if this was another false alarm I didn't want him to rush home for nothing. My mom told me to go in but when I explained I wanted to wait she agreed that it made sense. When Gary got home from work at 10p.m. we ate dinner and went about our routine, at one point I remember Gary kneeling in front of me as I sat in a chair. He put his head to my tummy and told Gabriel,"Move for mommy and daddy..." Gabriel loved the sound of Gary's voice, he was a Daddy's boy for sure. Most of the day I had spent talking to him, rubbing were his feet were so stubbornly wedged. I would beg him to stop scaring me, to move just the slightest bit and I would let him sleep as long as he wanted. He favored my right side most of the pregnancy so when I laid down and rolled over his body wasn't fighting to stay in his favorite spot, he would just move with me. We went to bed both fearing the worst but tried to say encouraging words to get us through the night.
The next morning I woke up to the doctors office calling to see if we could come in a little early for our appointment, I happily agreed and woke Gary up so we could shower. (This is another reason I think I knew, with all the ultrasound gel they put on me for my NST and ultrasound, I normally waited to shower until I got home) I remember rubbing my very full tummy, Gary resting his hands on it as well, the worry in our face...I tried to jostle my tummy, maybe shake him awake but nothing. We got dressed and I remember thinking,"If we get admitted and they have to take him I read in a book somewhere to wear a sports bra for extra support." (This is another reason i think I knew as well, for some reason I had forgotten that no matter what I was having a c-section because it was safer for Gabriel)
We arrived at the doctors office on time, they brought me back and tried to get me hooked up to the NST machine. She placed the heart monitor over my tummy and moved it around, pushing in different spots, digging in others...the seconds dragged on like hours. I had already explained that I hadn't felt him moving and she knew we had had difficulty getting him to cooperate before, he loved to be difficult when it came to doctors. She wiped the gel off my tummy and said we would start with an ultrasound this time to see if he was in a funny position. She left the room to let the ultrasound tech know, Gary and I just stared at each other, neither one of us dared to say a word. I wanted to shake Gabriel awake, I kept thinking "Wake up! This isn't funny or cute anymore, you need to stop being stubborn! Wake up!" The ultrasound tech came back, smiling and cheerful as always, the same one who had told me we were having a boy. We went to the other room and next thing I knew we were looking at our baby in my tummy.
She put up tiny squares on the monitor, ones that are supposed to light up with activity of either oxygen or blood flow or something...nothing lit up. She would move the scanner just the slightest bit over and try again. Nothing. And again. Nothing. A few more times and still nothing. She scanned in, looking for what I knew to be his chest where his heart should be pumping. Now there was empty blackness, it was so still in there, it was erie and scary. She switched the machine to measure his heart rate, she let it play, no up and down lines started, only an endless straight line. She moved it over the slightest bit and tried again, nothing. Again. Nothing. Moved it again. Nothing. Finally, my fears had been confirmed, my heart froze in my chest, the screams and cries that longed to come out were cut off. My brain took over before my breaking heart had a chance to. "That isn't good, right?" I whispered. "Let me get the doctor..." I looked at Gary, panic in my face. "Gary!" The tears were starting to form but before they could escape my eyes the doctor came in. "Mind if I take a look?" "Please do." She dug in spots, spots that normally hurt because of his stubborn little body, his knees or feet or other parts of him...it didn't hurt when she dug anymore. I didn't dare look up at the ultrasound screen, there had been no resistance when they had pressed against his body before. He had just moved with it, there was no pushing back or the stubborn kicks I had grown used to feeling...and I knew, before the words I'm so sorry left her lips, I knew Gabriel was gone.
The doctor helped me sit up, Gary's head was in his hands as I asked her where we went from here. She apologized again and told me I could go home to grieve for a little while and come back later, or we could be admitted right away. I asked if we could discuss it first and she agreed, leaving the room to see if she could get ahold of my OB to inform him of the news. I slid off the chair, getting on my knees so I was in front of Gary and grabbing him close. His sobs were heart wrenching, Gary has rarely ever cried in our entire relationship and here he was, shaking from the strength of his cries. I was in shock, my husband that was always so strong and held it together was falling to pieces. It took all my strength to be strong for him at that moment, I knew I couldn't break yet. I was preparing for the hardest struggle of my life, preparing myself emotionally was no easy task but I focused my energy on him. I kept holding onto him, crying from the initial ache too. The fetal medicine doctor came back in, she said we had the room for as long as we needed and that my OB was in surgery, so his nurse would be in contact with me later that day. I nodded my head as she again apologized for our loss and closed the door. I stood up, I needed to get out of here, I wanted to be home in bed suddenly. I wanted to enjoy the roundness of my tummy for a little while longer. I was convinced if he stayed in there for a while, maybe his heart would start again. I had been nourishing him for 38 weeks already, I had given him what he needed so why couldn't my body provide him with a new heart beat as well? I was a super mom in my mind, I would fix it and come time for our scheduled c-section in 5 days he would be brand new.
I urged Gary out of his chair, his arm wrapped around me and we walked out of the office. All the receptionists stared at us, it was so quite I wanted to yell at them to stop staring, go back to what you were doing before you saw us. We made it outside before Gary had to sit down, he was weak and his mind was nowhere in the here and now. What do I do? Do we call anyone? Would anyone care to know? The questions kept going and I didn't feel so mighty and powerful anymore, what were we supposed to do? He eventually pulled it together long enough to try and call his mom, he refused to drive and refused to let me drive. She didn't answer, he tried again and still no answer. "I think she had a massage this morning..." He dialed his dad, I was looking at all the cars passing by on the street. Should I ask someone for help? Would someone else know what to do? I heard him mumbling, the words,"He is gone. Gabriel is gone..."was all I could here and they hurt so bad I felt dizzy. The sun was so harsh and bright, I needed to sit down before I collapsed. "He is on his way" Gary squeaked out. Somehow we ended up in the truck, sitting, waiting. My husband was so quiet, so still himself, where was he?? I called my mom, my voice trying not to crack, I felt I needed to be strong. I don't remember my exact words, I just remember her screaming into the phone,"What?! What do you mean he's gone? What happend?" I heard the pain in her voice, my heart was aching. Why did I have to deliver this news? Why did I have to be the bearer of bad news? She assured me she would be there, where ever I was just let her make a few calls first.
Before I knew it David was tapping on my window, I opened the door thankful to see a comforting face. I didn't feel so lost anymore, maybe he would have the answers. He hugged me saying he was sorry, I've never welcomed a hug more in my entire life. I needed a hug from a father, the comforting hug that you know that person is there and isnt going anywhere. He got out his phone, trying to get ahold of Kelly now. I looked over at Gary, he was so gone it scared me, what was I to do? What if I touched him and he snapped in half? Before long we drove across the parking lot to the hospital, David didn't want me to go home and have the chance to dwell on anything while Gabriel was still inside me. My mom had mentioned the same thing on the phone. Before I knew it I was at admitting, filling out paper work trying to figure out what to write on the line that asked for my reason for being there. I don't know what I put, David was talking to Gary, supporting his son and I was so thankful because I needed to be strong now. I needed someone to watch Gary so I didn't have to, I needed to focus my strength on whatever came next. My mom was there, I saw her walking towards me with Joye next to her. I wanted to run to her and fall into her arms, I wanted to beg her to take me home but somewhere I knew...I knew what I had to do. I waddled over to her still though, greatful for a comforting mommy hug. Before I knew it we were in the labor room waiting for my OB to come and talk to me about our options and where to go from there. Family started showing up. Kelly, my dad and Crissy. I remember everyone wanted to hug me, it seemed like everyone expected me to be more of a mess than I was. While waiting I would occasionally slip into the bathroom and let the tears fall down my cheeks, I would beg Gabriel to come back, I would rub my tummy and hope it was a mistake, hope the machine was wrong and he would give me the miracle kick. Nothing. My tummy was so empty and yet so full, so heavy and yet light, so alive yet so still...Gary was still out of it, my heart ached for the strong man I knew to come to the bathroom door and hold me, but I was alone in this I felt. I realized I would have to be stronger than this, I had to be prepared to get through this "alone" if needed. No one else was going to give birth to him, he was in me. Whatever happend was going to physically happen to me. Even with support my heart knew the responsibility of getting him out was mine, I was made for this. The doctor knocked on the door to the room and someone else knocked on the bathroom door. I took a deep breath, wiped the tears from my eyes and told myself I was strong.
My OB presented the options, I didn't like what I heard but this was the hand I was dealt. We could do the c-section but there was a higher risk to me with my diabetes and me being overweight, there would be no benefit since Gabriel was already passed. There was only risk. The other option, of course, was to have a vaginal birth. I could be as drugged as I wanted since there would be no risk to the baby. Of course we chose vaginal. Even though Gabriel was gone I wanted to bring him into the world, I knew it was my responsibility to deliver this baby so Gary and I could say our goodbye's. I wanted to bring Gary our son, my body was designed to do this. I felt it was my right, the final step into becoming a mother, my initiation in a way. My OB asked if we wanted any testing done to find a cause, amnio or an autopsy or blood work. My heart sank when I realized what the word autopsy would entail. I asked if Gary and I could have some time to discuss the options, he agreed and suggested everyone else leave the room as well. The silence that surrounded us in that room was torture, I felt small and ready to break. I am just a kid, I shouldn't be making these decisions!
Gary was still out of it but he managed to come around, with heavy hearts we decided against testing, we didn't want an autopsy or a needle inserted into my tummy for amnio. We would only do testing if he came out with an abnormality. How badly my heart ached, how badly I wanted to wake from this nightmare. Everyone was allowed back into the room and we called the OB back. Soon afterwards Gary left with his family to go home and get our camera and an outfit we wanted to have pictures of him done in. I had lovingly urged him to go, he was starting to come around a little more but maybe he would do better after a break from this place. I realized as he left though that my heart was screaming for him to come back and not leave me alone, but my mom was there, her voice soothing and giving me strength I knew only she could give me. My dad and Crissy left shortly afterwards to go home and break the news to my sisters and brother, my mom had told them I wanted them with me and to bring them as soon as possible.
Before I knew it I was in the gown, the nurses getting IV's hooked up. Since we had had such a difficult time with getting the IV in my hand before and how painful it was I asked if we could please use the numbing shots, thankfully they agreed. I was stuck four times, to get two separate IV's hooked up. One was in my left arm which would be where they would start my pitocin and saline drip. In my other arm they hooked up my insulin drip to help control my blood sugar levels through the entire labor and delivery. I had a few times where my emotions threatened to overcome me but my mom would soothe away the aches, whispering encouraging words. The hardest moment was when the nurse brought in the paper work. I had had some time to think now and I was curious, why had Gabriel passed away? If we did an autopsy would it give me the answers I wanted? Would I want to know why he had gone? Gary was still at home with his family and I had no idea when he would be back. So, even though my curiosity was eating away at me, I signed for the decision that we had made together. The hardest moment of my life to that point was when I had to sign the release of body form. I remember thinking how angry I was that I was the one doing this, wasn't I the one that was delivering this baby? Wasn't my body the one doing the work? The least someone could do was sign this stupid paper for me! Of course I knew I had seen how Gary was this morning, did I want my husband to be the one to do this? I sucked in my breath quietly and pulled on strength that I had no idea where it came from. I had known there might be points I was "alone" and I would have to be strong for Gary too. So, I signed the paper, making sure every letter was perfect and beautiful.
Eventually Gary and his parents came back, I was so thankful he was there. When my sisters came into the room around 4p.m. my heart started to break, they had puffy eyes and tears falling, why couldn't I save my beautiful sisters from this pain? They gave me hugs and I kept telling them,"I know..." There were no words to describe the emotions that filled that room, I just knew. I wanted to take everyones pain from them, I didn't want them to see me like this. My little brother couldn't stand to come into the room and my heart was breaking for him as well. When we would visit my dads house he would come up to me and wrap his arms around the top and bottom of my tummy and tell his nephew hi. Samantha had told me once he had talked about how excited he was to be an uncle and how he couldn't wait to teach him star wars and play sports with him. It wasn't fair that my brother, my little Max should have to go through this. It wasn't fair that any of us had to go through this, but I took a deep breath and put on my brave face. If I broke now i wouldnt have the strength to get through this labor, I wouldn't have the strength to bring us Gabriel.
Everyone had made their phone calls and now there was only one thing to do, wait for my labor to progress. When they checked me the first time i was already dilated to a 3. We were hoping so badly that the pitocin would kick in and this would be a fast labor like it had been for my mom. I started to feel contractions, they weren't highly uncomfortable but they were getting staying consistent. Occasionally the nurse would come in and check my blood pressure, she would prick my finger to check my blood sugar also. The hardest part was watching the heart monitor that wasn't hooked up to me, here I was in labor and I didnt need to monitor my baby and his heart. That had been my favorite thing about the hospital stays in the past, listening to his heart beating so strong, and here I was not needing to be hooked up anymore.
Once by contractions became regular enough they broke my water and gave me a drug to numb the feelings of the contractions a little bit more, I didn't feel they were that strong yet but what could a little less edge hurt. The medication worked fast, one minute I was aware of reality and the next moment I was up in the clouds, I felt so light and loopy. At one point I felt the gush of water during a contraction and remember saying,"Oh no, I can't stop it. It feels like the hoover dam broke loose." I got a few chuckles. Everyone was asking me if I was going to spill any stories I shouldn't but Gary kept saying he would put his hand over my mouth if I tried to. It was nice to have some lighter conversation. Labor progressed, most of it is a blur.
Eventually the contractions became to intense for me to handle with just the numbing medication. I wanted to feel labor, a part of me wanted to feel all of it, I felt I deserved this pain for "failing" my son. No one wanted to see me in this pain, no one believed it was fair that I should put myself through this. The contractions felt like they were ripping through my entire body, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Finally I caved and agreed to get an epidural. It didn't take long once the anesthesiologist came in. He told me to puff my back out like a cat does, I felt a popping sensation in my back and some pressure. Before I knew it I was laying back on my back, no longer feeling contractions. My eyes were heavy and I was trying to fight exhaustion, it didn't work. I was dozing in and out, at one point my entire body was shaking because of my reaction to the epidural. I heard talking but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I asked questions, hard questions that my mother answered with loving honesty. At some point my dad and Crissy left with my little brother to get some sleep, my contractions had stopped progressing and we settled down for the night. My mom stayed up all night, Gary's parents snoozed in and out on a small fold out bed. Samantha was curled up in the corner on the floor and Jaclyn was in a blue chair next to me. Gary was on my other side, he watched me sleep. He told me I would smile in my sleep and whisper about Gabriel, he didn't want me to wake from my sweet dreams to this horrible nightmare. The nurses came in periodically to check me, I didnt progress all night.
Early morning came, Kelly left to go to mass and Gary was now sleeping in the blue chair next to me. Jaclyn and my mom had coffee I believe and I was starting to feel the contractions more again. My sisters didn't leave my side to go to school and my poor mom had been up for hours, when i had called her the day before she had just settled into bed from a long night shift of work. Around 8 my epidural had stopped working, the pain of my contractions were excruciating. It felt like someone was trying to rip out my lower back. The anesthesiologist came in, a female this time and she informed me we would have to take this one out and put a new one in. I agreed without much hesitation. I didn't feel it go in that time, the pain in my stomach was much more distracting. I was starting to feel queasy, I hadn't eaten since 10p.m. on Tuesday other than sugar free popsicles, even those were making me sick now. Everyone had arrived again, Max was in the waiting room this time. Before I knew it though the nurse was talking about doing practice pushes. I was terrified, the epidural didnt seemed to be working even though they had just replaced it, the pain wasn't nearly as bad but it was still intense.
We did a few practice pushes starting around 11a.m. I was dilated fully and before I knew it we were doing the real thing. The pain in my lower back was so intense it scared me, never in my life had I had such a strong burning pain. I was surrounded by my mom, Kelly, Gary and my sisters. Because of the epidural I couldn't feel my legs or sit up very well to pull them back myself, so when a contraction would start my mom would push back one leg for me and Gary would push back the other. Kelly was sitting behind my head on the bed, she would help push me upwards to give me extra support and to make my pushing more effective. It wasn't bad at first but as I felt him moving down the birth canal the pain was so intense, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and I wanted to cry. My body felt like it was being ripped in half. Everyone was encouraging though, they kept telling me his head was going to be the worst part but I was getting there. I didn't believe them, there was no way! I continued to push though, sucking in deep breathes and baring down. I was scared if I opened my mouth longer than to catch my breath I would start screaming and never stop.
Eventually my OB was called because I had pushed Gabriel out to the point where it wouldn't be much longer if I kept my pushes as good as they had been so far.He walked in, putting blue material over my legs and positioned himself to catch Gabriel. I could see in a reflective mask the blood...it seemed like so much. The minutes were passing slowly, I could see the clock the entire time I was pushing, there are no words to describe the pain at that point. The contractions seemed to only be getting stronger, they were so intense and painful but there was no relief from the pain. My epidural wasn't working and even when they pressed the button to administer more of the drug the pain wouldn't dull, it felt never ending. After every set of pushes I would collapse back down in exhaustion, wanting to give up, wishing my heart would stop too so I could be put out of this misery. This was torture, why was I doing this? Why was God putting me through this? Kelly would rest her head against mine and whisper prayers, at one point she told me I was strong and I replied that I knew, she asked me how I knew and I replied that God was with me. She would stroke my hair and kiss my forehead, Gary and my mom pushing my legs back with all their strength. One more push...one more push...just a few more pushes...your are doing so well...keep pushing just like that....
I could feel something was wrong, I knew he wasn't coming out anymore, where before I had felt even the slightest bit of him moving farther down he felt stuck. I kept repeating that he wasn't coming out anymore but everyone kept telling me his head was still coming and I believe them. I am convinced what I was feeling though were his shoulders, his big broad shoulders getting stuck and wedged down into me farther and farther with every push because eventually he wasn't moving down anymore. The OB had already given me an episiotomy and I remember seeing him grab the instrument from the nurse and a burning sensation that scared the hell out of me. I was shocked he hadn't warned me he was doing it. They told me his head was out, I didnt believe them, I called them liars. The intense pain was becoming unbearable and it seemed even worse now, how could his head be out? Why wasn't he crying if his head was out? And it hit me, hard in the chest, an agonizing pain froze in my heart...he would never cry....Eventually my OB had to reach his hands up inside me to try and move Gabriel's shoulders to get him out. I had done well with not screaming out during labor this far, there had been contractions that had been so bad it took all my strength not to pass out.
Some of the contractions I didnt even have the energy to push because after they take the monitors out, the only way to know when to push was really on me. I had laid there at times, feeling as if the pain itself was going to knock me out and it seemed there were times I was almost about to pass out with contractions still so strong. When the OB put his hands inside of me though that is when I screamed, that was when the strength left me, it had been close to 3 hours at this point. I wanted to cry so badly, I wanted Gary to hold me so badly but at this point his head was down looking at the floor. My poor sisters were standing just past the doctor at the foot of my bed, they had seen everything and were crying. My heart ached, this wasn't fair. I felt ripped apart, emotionally and physically, was there no end in sight? They got another OB who had the smallest hands out of all of them, I didn't see her hands but I trust she did. Again the pain was so intense I cried out, why was this happening to me? They tried to rotate him, I think I may have been crying the whole time by that point. The pain was unbearable and making me want to throw up. They decided he was to big, they would need to move me to an OR and put me under, my family had to leave. I watched them all walk out, I don't remember if anyone kissed me or not but I remember watching Gary leave, hoping he would turn around and say something, anything ease this pain, but he didnt...and the door was closed and locked behind them. I didn't want them to go, and I felt terrified and alone. What if I died and never woke up? I wanted to scream for them to come back, I wanted my mother to hold me and tell me I would make it through this.
More medical staff rushed in from the other door, the anesthesiologist was talking, telling me I would have medicine to put me out of it emotionally. I was crying now, begging her,"Please just knock me out, I don't want to feel this, please..." She tried to calm me down but the pain was still ripping through me. "This isnt fair! I am giving birth to my dead child and they said I didnt have to feel this, Ive tried just please, please put me out....I dont want to be awake anymore..." I was bawling uncontrollably, the pain was making me shake from its intensity and I didn't want to feel this anymore, it wasn't fair. Finally she agreed to put me fully out and called down for another kind of medicine, her assistant came in and told me to count to three instead I said,"I love you Gabriel..." and I was out.
I've been told different things about what happend while I was out. Everyone separated in their own little groups, according to my mom I had woken up and screamed in the middle of them getting him out. Jaclyn went and found Gary, telling him I was screaming and he took off towards the door but it was still locked. They had never moved me to the OR but had continued going in that room. The nurse told my mom later that I couldn't feel anything and they gave me another dose of medicine to knock me out right away. I don't ever remember waking up. The damage that was done was very extensive. They had to reach up inside me to get him out, I don't know how they did it. His arm had ripped while they were getting him out, it hadn't come completely off but my OB had told me they stitched it back in place. He also told me he had never delivered a baby with such a big abdomen, and he had to pull a little to get Gabriel out. The damage will not allow me to have another vaginal birth, the only way is if I have another stillbirth where there is no benefit for the baby with a c-section. He was so big and broad...there was no way we could have known he was that huge, he had severe shoulder dystocia as well. He was delivered at 2:20pm, about 20 minutes after they had put me under and had my family leave.
I heard voices, they seemed so far away and distant. An oxygen mask had been placed over my face to help bring me back from the medicine they had used. I could barely keep my eyes open, I would open them a little and made out fuzzy shapes in the dim room. At this point everyone was there, my OB was answering questions and telling everyone about the damage Gabriel had caused. Occasionally I heard a voice raise, everyone was so full of emotions and exhausted. When I started to come around more, my OB decided to take questions in another room so Gary and I would have a chance to meet our son now. My mom stayed with us because she was getting ready to leave and get some sleep but she wanted to see her grandson first. They wheeled in the nursery "crib", a blanket was over the top of it, the nurse removed the blanket and Gary walked over, picking up what looked like a bundle of blankets. He brought Gabriel to my mother first, putting him in her arms.
After a while she gave him back to Gary and Gary brought our son to the bed. I didn't want to look at first, why had God taken my son? I was so angry and terrified of our baby. My OB had warned us his skin would look like it had a sunburn, since Gabriel had been passed away for a couple days already the amniotic fluid did not do well when it came to dead tissue. I finally turned my head and saw the baby I had grown inside of me for 9 months, Gary's forehead was against mine and we were both crying. I'll admit, I was scared of the way my baby looked at first. Before I knew it my son was now in my arms, my sweet baby. I wished so badly he would open his eyes, I begged God to let me hear him cry. Why couldn't i wake from this nightmare, this was a cruel joke...
I looked down at his face, my baby, this little one I had nourished for 9 months was now gone. My dreams, my hopes had all been ripped from me. My heart ached, he was so big and yet so tiny. Gary and I had created him, he was unique, he was ours. At some point my mother left and a hospital photographer came in, she wanted to get some pictures of us and the baby. We were huddled close, our little family completely in ruins. We held his tiny hands, she got pictures of his feet. I let Gary take him to the chair so he could get pictures of just him and his son, our forever sleeping Gabriel. Watching him hold Gabriel was painful, I felt I had failed as a wife, I had failed to bring my husband his son alive a breathing. Gary doesn't have this opinion, he thanks me fore bringing him our son so we could say goodbye. But in those moments I felt as if somehow I had separated a man and his boy, I had torn them apart, I was a failure.
Gabriel was placed in my arms again for pictures of just the two of us, I held him and stared into his face. I was breaking, I was cracking and the tears started to fall. I longed for his tiny cries, I ached to feel his hand grasped my fingers and the silence of the room tore through me. His chest did not rise and fall with breathes of life, his lips were not motioning for me to feed him from my breast, he was completely still. He would remain still forever, not matter how safe my arms may be I could not bring him back. I gave him what his body had needed to grow but I could not make him wake, I could not give him a piece of my beating heart. She snapped her pictures and told us when we were ready she would take him to get pictures in his outfit we had brought. I passed him off to Gary and exhaustion overtook my body, I dozed in and out while everyone else was let back into the room to say their final goodbyes.
Everyone went home, the nurse came back to get Gabriel and his outfit for his pictures. I slept, exhaustion so heavy on my shoulders I could barely keep my eyes open. I was still in the room I had delivered in, the clock still staring at me. Eventually I was awake, and I knew it was time. My heart was heavy, my body on auto pilot. I still hadn't eaten anything, the nurses had given me the all clear to eat hours ago but I felt I had no purpose, what was the point in eating if I was no longer nourishing my son? Why couldn't I just starve myself? Gary called his parents to bring us some food and then we called the nurse to bring in our son. It was time.
You can never be ready to say good-bye to your son, there is nothing in the world that can ever prepare you for that. There are no words to describe the pain, the heart wrenching feeling of letting your little one go. The nurse wheeled him in again, Gary walked over and picked him up and again he was in my arms. For the most part he had been bundled through the day in blankets but I wanted to see the beautiful body I had created. I waited though, looking at his face. It was hard to see his beauty underneath all the red at first but there he was, my angel. I looked at his nose, his cheeks and his closed eyes. Still my heart longed for the miracle breath that would never come. His mouth was wide open and I could see his tongue. His hands were beautiful, his tiny fingers so delicate. I ached for my baby, and I let Gary hold him again. A knock came at the door and Kelly, David and Josh were in the room. I wasn't ready to let him go yet, I had pictures I still wanted to get with my own camera. They came in and we talked for a little while, they started saying it was time to let him go, that we couldn't hold on forever.
We asked them to leave the room and give us some privacy, they agreed and left. Gary sat down in the blue chair, we got out our camera and he unwrapped Gabriel's blankets. He didnt have any clothes on underneath them, just a diaper. I watched my husband hold our son, taking a few pictures of their last precious moments together. I ached, my heart ached and I wanted to cry out in pain. This wasn't fair. Gary brought Gabriel back to me and I cradled him in my arms, I rested his head against my chest and kissed the top of his hat. I held his hand, admired his tiny feet and toes. I looked at how broad he was, now unbundled and exposed. My boy, my sweet baby boy. Gary's family tried to come back in again, I asked to be alone with just Gabriel. Again they stepped out and Gary followed.
I looked down at Gabriel, his tiny face so still, so beautiful. The tears fell from my eyes as I rocked him slowly. "I love you so much, and I miss you. I wish you didn't have to leave us, I wish you could be here with me forever....how will I survive without you son? How?" The tears fell harder and my voice was breaking. "You are my world, you and Daddy and now you've gone away...my world is in ruins little one." I kissed his head again, closing my eyes and seeing how it should be. I imagined his eyes opening, wide and curious to the face of his mommy. I saw his smile, his beautiful smile and heard his laugh. I watched his fingers wrap around my one in a firm grasp. I saw him walking, teetering along before he fell on his bottom. I saw him growing into a man, his star wars collection and endless shelves of souvenirs from Star Wars weekends with his father. I heard the vows he would never speak, saw the children he would never have...my heart was shattered. I opened my eyes to my baby, my baby that would never grow up, my child that was frozen as an infant. "I love you so much Gabriel..."
Gary came back in and lifted him from my arms for the last time, he walked around the bed, gazing into the face of our son. He started to sing to him, a lullaby that we had agreed would be for all of our children, our song. "Come stop your crying, it'll be alright. Just take my hand hold it tight, I will protect you from all around you. I will be here don't you cry." Our voices were shaking with tears, my eyes wet and our hearts were barely beating anymore. "For one so small, you seem so strong, my arms will hold you keep you safe and warm, this bond between us, can't be broken. I will be here, don't you cry. Cause you'll be in my heart...yes you'll be in my heart, from this day on, now and forever more." I watched Gary, I watched the man I love being ripped apart emotionally. It killed me. "You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say, you'll be here in my heart. Always."
He kissed our son, and laid him back in the bed. As the nurse wheeled him out of the room my heart dropped into the darkest part of my soul, pieces of it being ripped out of my chest as they left with my son...the last time I would hold him in my arms, the last time I would see his face with my own eyes and not through a camera lens and pictures. He was gone...
Sunday, April 1, 2012 was the last time I was every going to be near my baby. The day I was to attend the fourth funeral this year, the second one for a baby only this time it was my son. We had a small mass gathering in the day chapel of the church I was married in. We didn't have the casket there since it was a little more pricey but I could still feel my baby's presence in the room. Kelly and David had taken care of all the arrangements, thankfully and it was a beautiful service. We left the church to go to the grave sight, this was truly the final goodbye. No one wanted us to see Gabriel after our final goodbye in the hospital, I have regretted not finding a way to spend more time holding him and such. We drove down the road, I felt drained and sick, making idle chit chat with my husband and his dad. We pulled into the cemetery, mostly everyone from the church service was there, my heart was broken when I saw the tiny casket laid out on a green square of material. I struggled with every step to hold it together, a pit opened up in my stomach, my throat began to swell up. I sat in the chair, letting the priest say his words and sprinkling holy water over the casket. My husband had requested that two white roses be put out for us to lay on top of him and I had brought a handful of purple calla lilies from a flower arrangement I had recieved. I slid of the chair to my knees, looking at the tiny box in front of me. It had only been three days, three days since I last held him. I wanted nothing more than to pull off the lid and rock my son one last time. Before I knew what was happening hot tears were running down my face, my mouth opened with a wail like a wounded animal. I cried my heart out, crying over my sons casket, screaming over and over again,"My baby...my baby...". The silence in the crowd was welcomed in my mournful hour. Finally they wanted me to be done, someone spoke to me, rubbing my back and telling me it was time. I didn't want it to be time, I didn't want this to be the end. Again I longed for my heart to stop beating, I wanted to beg them to bury me with him, bury my son in my arms. Instead I leaned down, kissing his little casket. I laid the flowers on top, stood up and walked to the car, weary and exhausted.