Saturday, February 14, 2015
Hello 2015
Well, seeing as how it is way past New Years and we are half way through February, I think it is time for an update.
We have been super busy since the beginning of 2015. My rainbow pregnancy has been going really well and I am happy to say we have about 7-8 weeks left until we *hopefully* meet our baby girl! In that time we will be having two doctor appointments a week to keep an eye on our her growth and activity levels. We will also be moving in to a two bedroom townhouse within the next week! (YIKES!!!) I have a baby shower coming up, baby showers for my friends and my nephews FIRST birthday! I also still have to plan Gabriel's third heavenly birthday. Talk about a busy last stretch of pregnancy!
As always, Gabriel is constantly on my mind. We have just started the third trimester a couple weeks ago and the what-ifs are relentless. I've done a pretty good job keeping my anxiety under control and I am trying very hard to believe that God will let my baby girl stay. For now I try to focus on taking it one day at a time. I am thankful for every kick and every week that we see that beautiful heart beat on an ultrasound.
For now I simply ask for your prayers and positive energy.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
You Are Missing
You are missing from me, my soul and my arms.
Your spot at the table stays empty.
Your handprints are missing from my walls and your kisses from my cheeks.
Your laughter was silenced before it could ring in my ears.
Your heartbeat still.
How have I survived missing you this long? How is it that you have been stolen from me and yet the earth continues to turn?
How is it fair? Why me?
Or the bigger question...why you?
I can't remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms. Pictures are all that remain to piece together the day of your birth.
You have no Christmas presents...what can I buy you? What could possibly make me feel the slightest bit less guilty about your death?
The tree will be decorated with your ornaments but what about beneath the tree? What more can I buy to honor you? What is left on this earth to ease the pain of my aching heart?
How can I hang stockings knowing that yours will remain empty?
I don't know what to do this year. I love you so much. I miss you with an aching so deep I have to push it away. If I were to let myself feel the enormous storm inside my broken soul, I wouldn't be able to stop crying. Nobody understands.
I am barely hanging on to the pieces I've spent months putting back together. Would it be fair to let go and just mourn while a beautiful life grows inside me? Would it be fair to cry for my loss when I have been blessed with life?
To the outside world I am moving forward. Our family is expanding. Those that don't know ask if she is my first...I pretend to not hear the question.
You, my son, are missing. Your sister is a blessing that has also made your absence shockingly painful and noticeable. My baby boy....my heart cries for your presence.
Your spot at the table stays empty.
Your handprints are missing from my walls and your kisses from my cheeks.
Your laughter was silenced before it could ring in my ears.
Your heartbeat still.
How have I survived missing you this long? How is it that you have been stolen from me and yet the earth continues to turn?
How is it fair? Why me?
Or the bigger question...why you?
I can't remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms. Pictures are all that remain to piece together the day of your birth.
You have no Christmas presents...what can I buy you? What could possibly make me feel the slightest bit less guilty about your death?
The tree will be decorated with your ornaments but what about beneath the tree? What more can I buy to honor you? What is left on this earth to ease the pain of my aching heart?
How can I hang stockings knowing that yours will remain empty?
I don't know what to do this year. I love you so much. I miss you with an aching so deep I have to push it away. If I were to let myself feel the enormous storm inside my broken soul, I wouldn't be able to stop crying. Nobody understands.
I am barely hanging on to the pieces I've spent months putting back together. Would it be fair to let go and just mourn while a beautiful life grows inside me? Would it be fair to cry for my loss when I have been blessed with life?
To the outside world I am moving forward. Our family is expanding. Those that don't know ask if she is my first...I pretend to not hear the question.
You, my son, are missing. Your sister is a blessing that has also made your absence shockingly painful and noticeable. My baby boy....my heart cries for your presence.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
18 Days
Christmas is 18 days away. The past couple years I feel like I have survived without completely losing my mind. This year though, has unexpected challenges. This is my nephew's first Christmas, which means buying baby toys and watching one of the biggest firsts I couldn't wait for Gabriel to experience. In my heart I know that I will enjoy Christmas morning with my family. I know that we will laugh and make memories we will cherish for years to come. But it is hard to convince my mind of all the things my heart already knows to be true. I think what is making my fears seem so big is, of course, the extra dose of hormones running through my body!
I am beyond grateful to be pregnant again, especially with my little girl's movements growing stronger and more frequent. But, there is a small fear of her presence overshadowing my efforts to remember Gabriel during the holidays. In all honesty, I don't even know what to do for him this year. A part of me wants to curl up under a blanket and cry until I can't cry anymore. The idea of a little one running around my house next Christmas terrifies me. Now, do not get me wrong! Having a little one of my own to hold and spoil next year is a very welcomed change, but it is also a little scary. Like my previous post explains, I have an irrational fear of not being able to love both my children equally. As well as a fear of "forgetting" my son. (I know, IMPOSSIBLE!!)
New years is also extremely difficult. The idea that I have survived another year without Gabriel continues to boggle my mind. Not to mention we will officially be in 2015, the year our daughter will be born! For now I continue to pray for all the mom's and dad's out there who have someone missing from their arms this year.
I am beyond grateful to be pregnant again, especially with my little girl's movements growing stronger and more frequent. But, there is a small fear of her presence overshadowing my efforts to remember Gabriel during the holidays. In all honesty, I don't even know what to do for him this year. A part of me wants to curl up under a blanket and cry until I can't cry anymore. The idea of a little one running around my house next Christmas terrifies me. Now, do not get me wrong! Having a little one of my own to hold and spoil next year is a very welcomed change, but it is also a little scary. Like my previous post explains, I have an irrational fear of not being able to love both my children equally. As well as a fear of "forgetting" my son. (I know, IMPOSSIBLE!!)
New years is also extremely difficult. The idea that I have survived another year without Gabriel continues to boggle my mind. Not to mention we will officially be in 2015, the year our daughter will be born! For now I continue to pray for all the mom's and dad's out there who have someone missing from their arms this year.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Post ThanksGiving Ramblings
Well, I survived another Thanksgiving. This year was easier than last but there were a few times I found myself aching for Gabriel in my arms. With Christmas right around the corner I see tons of pictures of my friends with their children. It isn't painful, and in all honesty I enjoy seeing the memories being made. What is difficult is the day dreams that end up following. I tend to dwell on how life "would be". Of course my son would love singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs with Mommy! He would be excited to help make cookies for Santa, especially since we bought Star Wars cookie cutters this year. And don't even get me started on how happy he would be to decorate the Christmas tree.
I see Gabriel so clearly in my mind that it feels like he could be sitting in the other room waiting for me to come play. Occasionally I have to fight the urge to go check. It makes me feel crazy that we are almost three years out from losing him and I still have moments like this. In my heart I know he is in heaven, I know his memory lives in my heart and yet the wish for him to be close never fades. A part of me doesn't want it too either.
We found out a few weeks ago that our tiny rainbow baby is a little girl! This week has been both a blessing and full of fear I didn't anticipate. At 18 weeks my daughter has me feeling her sparatic movements. With this new milestone comes great relief but also an underlying fear of them stopping for no reason. This pregnancy I have been determined to keep the fear at a distance, and for the most part I feel I've done really well. But now, there are times I find my mind jumping straight to the fear of losing her. I wish more than anything that I never knew this pain. Just thinking about Gabriel not being here to be a big brother in the traditional way breaks my heart.
I worry about how I'm going to teach her about him. I worry he will be forgotten and my visits to the cemetery will become even less frequent than they are now. For some bizarre reason I always thought a "rainbow baby" would come along and make everything okay. Not that I could ever forget Gabriel, nor would I want to, but a certain balance would be brought back in to my life. Instead this pregnancy has opened up fears I never thought of. It's made me question my ability to be a good mother. I have loved Gabriel with every ounce of my heart...how can I possibly make room to love another child? (I know, what an irrational fear) I guess for now I will continue to take it one day at a time.
I see Gabriel so clearly in my mind that it feels like he could be sitting in the other room waiting for me to come play. Occasionally I have to fight the urge to go check. It makes me feel crazy that we are almost three years out from losing him and I still have moments like this. In my heart I know he is in heaven, I know his memory lives in my heart and yet the wish for him to be close never fades. A part of me doesn't want it too either.
We found out a few weeks ago that our tiny rainbow baby is a little girl! This week has been both a blessing and full of fear I didn't anticipate. At 18 weeks my daughter has me feeling her sparatic movements. With this new milestone comes great relief but also an underlying fear of them stopping for no reason. This pregnancy I have been determined to keep the fear at a distance, and for the most part I feel I've done really well. But now, there are times I find my mind jumping straight to the fear of losing her. I wish more than anything that I never knew this pain. Just thinking about Gabriel not being here to be a big brother in the traditional way breaks my heart.
I worry about how I'm going to teach her about him. I worry he will be forgotten and my visits to the cemetery will become even less frequent than they are now. For some bizarre reason I always thought a "rainbow baby" would come along and make everything okay. Not that I could ever forget Gabriel, nor would I want to, but a certain balance would be brought back in to my life. Instead this pregnancy has opened up fears I never thought of. It's made me question my ability to be a good mother. I have loved Gabriel with every ounce of my heart...how can I possibly make room to love another child? (I know, what an irrational fear) I guess for now I will continue to take it one day at a time.
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