You Are Missing

You are missing from me, my soul and my arms.

Your spot at the table stays empty.

Your handprints are missing from my walls and your kisses from my cheeks.

Your laughter was silenced before it could ring in my ears.

Your heartbeat still.

How have I survived missing you this long? How is it that you have been stolen from me and yet the earth continues to turn?

How is it fair? Why me?

Or the bigger question...why you?

I can't remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms. Pictures are all that remain to piece together the day of your birth.

You have no Christmas presents...what can I buy you? What could possibly make me feel the slightest bit less guilty about your death?

The tree will be decorated with your ornaments but what about beneath the tree? What more can I buy to honor you? What is left on this earth to ease the pain of my aching heart?

How can I hang stockings knowing that yours will remain empty?

I don't know what to do this year. I love you so much. I miss you with an aching so deep I have to push it away. If I were to let myself feel the enormous storm inside my broken soul, I wouldn't be able to stop crying. Nobody understands.

I am barely hanging on to the pieces I've spent months putting back together. Would it be fair to let go and just mourn while a beautiful life grows inside me? Would it be fair to cry for my loss when I have been blessed with life?

To the outside world I am moving forward. Our family is expanding. Those that don't know ask if she is my first...I pretend to not hear the question.

You, my son, are missing. Your sister is a blessing that has also made your absence shockingly painful and noticeable. My baby boy....my heart cries for your presence.