18 Days

Christmas is 18 days away. The past couple years I feel like I have survived without completely losing my mind. This year though, has unexpected challenges. This is my nephew's first Christmas, which means buying baby toys and watching one of the biggest firsts I couldn't wait for Gabriel to experience. In my heart I know that I will enjoy Christmas morning with my family. I know that we will laugh and make memories we will cherish for years to come. But it is hard to convince my mind of all the things my heart already knows to be true. I think what is making my fears seem so big is, of course, the extra dose of hormones running through my body!

I am beyond grateful to be pregnant again, especially with my little girl's movements growing stronger and more frequent. But, there is a small fear of her presence overshadowing my efforts to remember Gabriel during the holidays. In all honesty, I don't even know what to do for him this year. A part of me wants to curl up under a blanket and cry until I can't cry anymore. The idea of a little one running around my house next Christmas terrifies me. Now, do not get me wrong! Having a little one of my own to hold and spoil next year is a very welcomed change, but it is also a little scary. Like my previous post explains, I have an irrational fear of not being able to love both my children equally. As well as a fear of "forgetting" my son. (I know, IMPOSSIBLE!!)

New years is also extremely difficult. The idea that I have survived another year without Gabriel continues to boggle my mind. Not to mention we will officially be in 2015, the year our daughter will be born! For now I continue to pray for all the mom's and dad's out there who have someone missing from their arms this year.