Well, I survived another Thanksgiving. This year was easier than last but there were a few times I found myself aching for Gabriel in my arms. With Christmas right around the corner I see tons of pictures of my friends with their children. It isn't painful, and in all honesty I enjoy seeing the memories being made. What is difficult is the day dreams that end up following. I tend to dwell on how life "would be". Of course my son would love singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs with Mommy! He would be excited to help make cookies for Santa, especially since we bought Star Wars cookie cutters this year. And don't even get me started on how happy he would be to decorate the Christmas tree.
I see Gabriel so clearly in my mind that it feels like he could be sitting in the other room waiting for me to come play. Occasionally I have to fight the urge to go check. It makes me feel crazy that we are almost three years out from losing him and I still have moments like this. In my heart I know he is in heaven, I know his memory lives in my heart and yet the wish for him to be close never fades. A part of me doesn't want it too either.
We found out a few weeks ago that our tiny rainbow baby is a little girl! This week has been both a blessing and full of fear I didn't anticipate. At 18 weeks my daughter has me feeling her sparatic movements. With this new milestone comes great relief but also an underlying fear of them stopping for no reason. This pregnancy I have been determined to keep the fear at a distance, and for the most part I feel I've done really well. But now, there are times I find my mind jumping straight to the fear of losing her. I wish more than anything that I never knew this pain. Just thinking about Gabriel not being here to be a big brother in the traditional way breaks my heart.
I worry about how I'm going to teach her about him. I worry he will be forgotten and my visits to the cemetery will become even less frequent than they are now. For some bizarre reason I always thought a "rainbow baby" would come along and make everything okay. Not that I could ever forget Gabriel, nor would I want to, but a certain balance would be brought back in to my life. Instead this pregnancy has opened up fears I never thought of. It's made me question my ability to be a good mother. I have loved Gabriel with every ounce of my heart...how can I possibly make room to love another child? (I know, what an irrational fear) I guess for now I will continue to take it one day at a time.
