63 Days

There is a number, huge and looming, yet somehow I seem to tower over it. It scares me but brings an unexpected feeling of relief and awe. Sixty-three days is all that stands between now and Gabriel's second birthday. I think about what this means....this will be the end of my second year without him. It also means I've missed many milestones I so anxiously anticipated during my pregnancy. I've never watched him smile, or laugh. I didn't see his first step or hear his first word. In all honesty, it is easy to drown in thoughts about all the moments we never got to share....and if I really let my mind free, it won't take long before I am crying and heart broken over the milestones he will never reach.

I never knew I would survive an hour after the death of my child. I didn't think it was possible to breathe past six months. My heart ached openly and heavily on his first birthday...all I could think was how unfair it was to live with such a burden a moment longer. But, here I am. I don't want to say I am happy, but I can't help but feel a sense of peace that I am doing more than surviving. I AM LIVING! I AM LOVING! I AM LAUGHING!

Sure, grief has it's days where it kicks me down and tries to tear me apart. I can honestly say though, I am having more "good" days than bad. I am laughing from happiness more often than not. I am appreciating every blessing in my life and not worrying about tomorrow. But I have also learned when I need to take it slow, and I've recognized emotional triggers so I know when I need time to grieve by myself. Grief and I aren't the greatest friends, but we are learning how to make our companionship work.

Instead of thinking about all I am missing, I try to focus on what has been here all along. I've gained and lost friendships. I've fought the hardest to keep my relationship going despite the tempting urge to give up all together. I've lost family, but strengthened bonds with those who truly matter. I've been blessed with people who fight to keep Gabriel's memory alive! So much good has happened in my life and I know I haven't always recognized my accomplishments during the pain. I hope to plan a beautiful heavenly birthday for Gabriel this year. It is my goal to welcome my third year into this journey with an open mind and a little more peace in my heart.