Yesterday I woke up refreshed and feeling a calling in my heart. Before I knew what I was doing, I was dressed in my latest favorite outfit and driving down the highway singing at the top of my lungs. I found my exit, made a few turns and eased into a parking spot. With a deep breath and a quick prayer, I composed myself and walked to the familiar glass doors.
I finally made the decision to go to church. It has been a long time since I have been able to walk through those doors. The handful of times I've been back since Gabriel's passing have not brought the greatest feelings for me. I've struggled a lot with anger and feeling betrayed by God. I couldn't understand how God could love me so much and yet allow my baby to die.
I still struggle some days with the fact that I didn't get the life I spent months planning, but I feel like I am at a turning point in my life. I know in my heart that God loves me. Looking back I know that He has carried me this far and it is getting easier to see the blessings He has given me. I see Him working in my life daily. He is making me a stronger person, and He is helping to heal my heart.
Being back in church yesterday felt good. There was no one I recognized which gave me the time I needed to focus on my prayers and truly opening my heart to scripture. I can't guarantee that I will feel this way all the time, but I know He will continue to guide me in his plan. I feel the urge to explore other paths of faith as well. In the end I know that God will guide me to where He thinks I need to be. All I can do is listen and open to change.
*Picture was taken earlier this year. It is from the prayer garden at the hospital where I delivered Gabriel. I remember spending the day after we had Gabe in front if this statue and crying my eyes out because I was so lost. If I only knew then what I know now.
