2 Years in Heaven

This year turned out to be even more beautiful than I could possibly imagined. I wasn't stressed, I wasn't worried about absolute perfection and the little hiccups during the day didn't make me insane. We planned a balloon release and a sky lantern release, both of them beautiful in their own way.

I started the morning with a delivery of a beautiful, white rose from my M.E.N.D. family. I am so thankful Gary and I chose to have white roses be Gabriel's flower because the single rose delivered to our home means so much more. In the early afternoon we headed out to get our balloons blown up for the release at the cemetery. The goal was to release the balloons at exactly 2:20p.m. (which is the exact time our precious boy was born at). Needless to say we were the last to arrive after getting caught up in the line at Party City. We had also ran around to a couple of our family members works to collect their notecards for the balloon release.

When we finally made it to the cemetery it took a while to get the rest of the notecards written since the wind was practically knocking us all over. It also didn't help that we had at least two balloons escape since Party City did not tie the strings good enough and we had three more end up in the car until w could retie them with yarn. It was an amazing blessing to be able to share Gabriel's birthday with my Uncle, who was in town because of the birth of my nephew, and some of my closest friends that I've met at M.E.N.D. We were finally able to release our heavenly messages at 2:37p.m.

As usual my eyes began to fill with tears and for a moment I was back in the hospital room meeting my firstborn son for the first and last time. I watched the balloons until I couldn't see them anymore and then quickly sat in front of Gabriel's grave. I whispered sweet nothings in the breeze and made sure to tell him over and over again that I loved him. Nothing could keep the tears from slipping down my cheeks. Eventually I stood and was greeted by the strong arms of my best friend Brittanie. She hugged me as I cried harder than I've cried in months.

After a few moments of silence, I finally wiped my eyes and told everyone where we were meeting for cake. My friend Cherish and her husband had to leave before we left for the park, but I was more than thankful that they were able to celebrate Gabriel's birthday with us.

Trying to light candles for a birthday cake on a windy day never works....but, I had to try anyway! Sams Club did an AMAZING job when it came to decorating our heavenly birthday cake. After we finished visiting in the cold and our sweet tooth was more than satisfied, we all parted ways with a friendly reminder about the sky lantern release that was going to happen that evening.

Gary and I went out for a sit-down lunch, my Uncle and Dad had come to him so he could discuss an amazing and beautiful gift with me. (I will be revealing more about that in the weeks to come) We spent the rest of the time at my sisters house visiting with her, my nephew and the family. At dusk it was time to head to the another park for our sky lantern release. My family members who couldn't join us for the balloon release were now off work and more than ready to celebrate Gabriel's memory with us.

There was a few bumps when it came to getting started, but when my family and friends released their lanterns my breath was literally caught in my chest. It was beautiful! Children that were soaking up the last few hour of play time were pointing at the lanterns and telling their parents to "look! look!".

Gary and I lit ours separately from everyone else. Watching the beautiful light against the darkness was stunning. I cried for the second time as I imagined how different life could be if Gabriel had lived. I could picture him in heaven though, watching all the pretty lights lighting up the sky just for him.

Happy, Happy, Happy Heavenly Birthday my precious Gabriel! You are dearly missed but loved by so many.

A Sisters Love

I feel terrible that I have not been able to give my blog the attention and tlc it deserves. "March Madness" quickly turned in to "March Chaos" here. Where to begin, where to begin....

On March 25th my family welcomed our newest member into the world! My nephew, Brennon, was born a healthy 5lbs 11oz and has been a blessing in all of our lives. I was lucky enough to be in the room as he came in to the world and I can't even begin to describe hearing his first cries of life.

I will admit, it was a very surreal and intimate experience not only with my family but within myself. When I got the news nothing could wipe the huge, probably really silly looking grin off my face. I practically ran to the hospital (after being forced to wait, rather impatiently, for my husband to get off a call) and wanted to kiss and hug my younger sister. After checking on her we decided to run out for a bit to grab some food.

But, let me back track for a minute here. As most of you know, Gabriel's birthday is March 29th. The night before my sisters water broke Gary and I were having a huge discussion about what we would do to honor our little one this year. An idea we decided to keep from the year before was to make a Build-A-Bear in memory of our son and then donate the bear from the year before. Well, since we loved our bear from last year to much to let it go we thought of an even better idea, why not make Brennon a bear from his heavenly cousin? So  this is what we did after we left the hospital.

My sister loved it! The bear remained wrapped in her arms for the next few hours as we all buckled down for the waiting game. Fast forward to numerous drink breaks, lots of goofing off, tons of giggles and three (yes I said THREE!!) pushes later a precious baby boy blessed the world with his presence.

I did break once. As my sister waited for the doctor and was surrounded by supportive family, I knew I had to take a moment to acknowledge the grief banging on my front door. I slipped into the empty hallway and collapsed on an uncomfortable bench. I pulled the hood from my hoodie over my tired eyes and let the tears fall. For a moment I let the pain slip over me. I let grief take my heart in its cold hands and I sobbed so hard my tears fell past my checks and hit the floor.

I was terrified. I had sent my husband home hours ago to sleep and he didn't feel awake enough to drive. I felt alone, and I didn't think I  would want it any different. It was my sisters moment and I hated the monstrous waves of grief that were trying to destroy the pure happiness I felt in my soul. I heard the door click and before I could wipe the tears I was looking into the soft eyes of my baby sister. She smiled as her eyes began to fill with tears...

She saved me in that moment. She stopped my grief in its tracks and after a shared moment of sadness we were able to chuckle  just a little. I had the strength to open that door and we both could join our sister in the birth of her son. I have never been more grateful for the love I share with my sisters.