Birthday

My 21st birthday has officially come and gone, now the next big event is Gabriels first heavenly birthday. We plan on celebrating his 11 month birthday on the 28th, since there is no 29th of February this year. It's been hard, even my birthday had its moments of guilt that here I was celebrating twenty one years of life when my son didn't get to celebrate even one. I did receive an amazingly beautiful gift from my sister in law though! In her art class she formed wire to a picture of an ultrasound of Gabriel (pictures below). My heart was filled with love and so much appreciation at such a thoughtful gift. Please pray for me this next month, it is becoming harder each day.

Weighed Down

I'm trying to breathe, I'm trying to hold it in but my seams are slowly ripping apart! I plaster on my fake smile, somedays it is actually pretty convincing. The scars are broken open and the memories flood back, the pain sinks its nasty teeth into my soul and I am poisoned! I am sick with grief, despair...anger! I don't want to remember, I don't want life to be this way so I shake my head no-no-no as the tears sting my eyes. I want to lash out, I want to scream until my voice is no more! I long to break something, smash anything into pieces like my heart has been crushed. I have no idea who I am anymore, people ask me what I want but I DON'T KNOW! People ask me to make decisions but I CAN'T! I feel so heavy, so weighed down and all I want to do is lock myself at home, turn off my phone and not answer the door. My 21st birthday is in one week and I can't even get excited because this evil little voice whispers a reminder that with every day that passes, it is just one more day closer to the one year mark. I won't have a headstone, I don't even know if I will be able to visit the cemetery. Inside I know I don't want to be around people, I've known this for months which is why I stopped planning anything.
Why is grief so cruel? Why can't I be "normal" and who I used to be? And why is grief so lonely??

Another Year

Today I've been dreaming of the future that could have been but wasn't. I often find myself wondering how different my life would be right now...what would his laugh sound like? Where would he be ticklish? Would bath time be full of tears and shrieking, or laughter as I was drenched in water? The list goes on and on. But it didn't hurt to think of these events, it didn't bring tears to my eyes...I just wished I could have known Gabriel outside of my womb. I do know he was a Daddy's boy. Everytime Gary would come home and Gabriel heard his voice my ribs became punching bags. I craved spicy foods while pregnant but Gabriel was just like his mommy, no seafood! (I was never fond of the smell but when I was pregnant it became unbearable!) I know he was spoiled rotten and would be upon arrival as well. I know he knew love, he knew laughter and the sound of his mommys heartbeat. I know he LOVED Star Wars, especially when Daddy would read to him from a Star Wars book. He loved music, especially "You'll be in my heart" by Phil Collins. (He always perked up to that song)
I am blessed, I was given nine beautiful months with my son. I didn't miss a moment of his life, I talked to him daily and dreamed of bringing him home nightly. We are a little over a month away from his first birthday in heaven. To be honest, I didn't know I could make it this far but somehow I have. We originally were going to start trying again in April, but have decided to wait another year so I can lose weight and (hopefully) get my diabetes under control. For the last week and a half I've had dreams about losing children anywhere from early miscarriage to right before birth. Despite what the dream dictionaries say, I decided to take those dreams as a sign from God that maybe we aren't as ready as I wish we could be. Another year seems like so long, but, I have to lose weight and give my future baby a chance to be born healthy. What is one more year when you are looking at the life of your child, your husband, and yourself?

Falling Apart

Today...what a mess I was. It started out beautiful, the weather absolutely gorgeous and to top it off Gary didn't have to work. I decided today that I would go to the park to watch him do his L.A.R.P. game (live action role playing)
It didn't occur to me the amount of children that would be there, before winter hit I had gotten really good and not worrying about what was going on around me. Today little shrieks of laughter taunted me, I watch two brothers playing tag and imagined what it would be like to have my own almost one year old, teetering around. I had to get out of there! Gary stayed while I went home and I thought for a moment the silence would offer me comfort...the ringing in my ears was overpowering as the quiet crushed me. I tried cleaning, I tried music, I tried to focus on other things. Anything but the silence and the heartache! Before long I was chased out of the house with a bad gut feeling. I wanted to be with Gabriel, but not in the sense of "visiting the cemetery." So again, I was back at the park. This time I waited in the car. I couldn't be alone but I didn't want to be out at the park either. After months of pretty good days, this by far seemed to be one of the most difficult to get through.

Snow

There is snow falling, it is beautiful. So innocent as it covers the ground in a blanket of untouched powder. I close my eyes for a moment and think of Gabriels first time being in the snow...would he have cried or giggled? Would his cheeks get rosy pink from the cold? I want to catch the loveliness outside, keep it in a bottle for when I need the peace it brings. But I can't, it would melt and be nothing but water in a jar.

Grief is like the snow. Each day its own snowflake, individual and unique.

Heartbreak

During sunset last night Gary and I went out to see our precious Gabriel. Since his has always had an empty plot to one side we can easily tell where he is. At first we thought someone had left something out there with him, but as we pulled up we realized that this was not the case. Another little baby had passed away.
Now, I am always sad when I hear of a death, especially when it is the death of a child. Every time I go to M.E.N.D. I silently pray that no new face will walk through the door because instead of being with us, they would be at home with their baby. My heart aches when I see new faces, when I meet new people and after sharing my story find out yet another person has been through the same situation.
But, there is a unique heartbreak when you see a fresh, tiny new grave. For me, I was thrown back to my memories of my first few weeks of grief. Overwhelmed, the tears fell freely from my eyes. I felt broken for this family, aching with the reality of death and reminded that another family has joined the "empty arms club".

A Heavenly Gift

I wrote this poem earlier today and thought I would go ahead and share it.

A Heavenly Gift
By: Andrea Gimlin

I wish upon a diamond star, and blow a kiss to the heavens afar.
Fall to my knees with a desperate plea, to look through Gods eyes and see what he sees.

I see an angel in white walk up to the Lord,"Our newest arrival, a son so adored."
Your innocence bright, as tears fall from Gods face,"Such a beautiful child filled with heavenly grace."
For a moment you're placed in His outstretched arms, as He whispers,"In heaven you're safe from all harm."
With a kiss from His lips you are blessed with wings, and around you the angels begin to sing.
A lullaby so beautiful, full of love and care. My heart is relieved, I know you're home there.
I try to open my eyes but God whispers,"Not yet." I watch as you grow and how safe you are kept.
From crawling, to laughing, to dancing on stars, such a beautiful place where the baby angels are!
I watch you fly down, you wipe years from my eyes,"Sweet mommy, sweet mommy, please don't cry.
I know you don't know yet but I am perfect and new, someday you'll meet me, I promise you."
You fly to your daddy, throw your arms on his neck, snuggle close to him so and breathe in his scent.
"My daddy, strong daddy, I can't wait till you see, all the room in heaven to play, just you and me!
I know you are hurting, but don't worry for me, I'm strong just like you, that's how you made me."
God whispers to you,"To them you are the warmth in a breeze. With each visit you make it brings them some peace.
Though they can't hear the words that you speak, they feel a love for you they will safely keep."
God looks into your face, and I see it too, the perfection I created within my womb.

I open my eyes, the sun rising outside, and with tears of joy I begin to cry.
Our son, our future we thought that was lost, is in heaven because of our Lords own loss.