Falling Apart

Today...what a mess I was. It started out beautiful, the weather absolutely gorgeous and to top it off Gary didn't have to work. I decided today that I would go to the park to watch him do his L.A.R.P. game (live action role playing)
It didn't occur to me the amount of children that would be there, before winter hit I had gotten really good and not worrying about what was going on around me. Today little shrieks of laughter taunted me, I watch two brothers playing tag and imagined what it would be like to have my own almost one year old, teetering around. I had to get out of there! Gary stayed while I went home and I thought for a moment the silence would offer me comfort...the ringing in my ears was overpowering as the quiet crushed me. I tried cleaning, I tried music, I tried to focus on other things. Anything but the silence and the heartache! Before long I was chased out of the house with a bad gut feeling. I wanted to be with Gabriel, but not in the sense of "visiting the cemetery." So again, I was back at the park. This time I waited in the car. I couldn't be alone but I didn't want to be out at the park either. After months of pretty good days, this by far seemed to be one of the most difficult to get through.