I'm trying to breathe, I'm trying to hold it in but my seams are slowly ripping apart! I plaster on my fake smile, somedays it is actually pretty convincing. The scars are broken open and the memories flood back, the pain sinks its nasty teeth into my soul and I am poisoned! I am sick with grief, despair...anger! I don't want to remember, I don't want life to be this way so I shake my head no-no-no as the tears sting my eyes. I want to lash out, I want to scream until my voice is no more! I long to break something, smash anything into pieces like my heart has been crushed. I have no idea who I am anymore, people ask me what I want but I DON'T KNOW! People ask me to make decisions but I CAN'T! I feel so heavy, so weighed down and all I want to do is lock myself at home, turn off my phone and not answer the door. My 21st birthday is in one week and I can't even get excited because this evil little voice whispers a reminder that with every day that passes, it is just one more day closer to the one year mark. I won't have a headstone, I don't even know if I will be able to visit the cemetery. Inside I know I don't want to be around people, I've known this for months which is why I stopped planning anything.
Why is grief so cruel? Why can't I be "normal" and who I used to be? And why is grief so lonely??
I Never thought about something like that, your right- sure I have heard of such a situations but i can't think of anyone close to us and ours that have experienced such a heartbreaking event as your pictures show.. And how i got here, i was researching images of time vortex paradox. I came across the picture then it lead me here. After looking at the rest of the pictures- I mean... it really hit me hard knowing what i was looking at, it really cut into me and no words of mine could even attempt to beguile you with something so... sad! I am So truly sorry that you and yours experienced such a awful point in time... And i wish you the world and hope you are okay...
ReplyDeleteSincerely Mike
I appreciate your thoughts and concerns. It amazes me how the internet puts pictures pretty much anywhere but I thank you for the time it took you to read this. I am happy to report I have been doing much better and have a brighter out look for 2014
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