You Are Missing

You are missing from me, my soul and my arms.

Your spot at the table stays empty.

Your handprints are missing from my walls and your kisses from my cheeks.

Your laughter was silenced before it could ring in my ears.

Your heartbeat still.

How have I survived missing you this long? How is it that you have been stolen from me and yet the earth continues to turn?

How is it fair? Why me?

Or the bigger question...why you?

I can't remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms. Pictures are all that remain to piece together the day of your birth.

You have no Christmas presents...what can I buy you? What could possibly make me feel the slightest bit less guilty about your death?

The tree will be decorated with your ornaments but what about beneath the tree? What more can I buy to honor you? What is left on this earth to ease the pain of my aching heart?

How can I hang stockings knowing that yours will remain empty?

I don't know what to do this year. I love you so much. I miss you with an aching so deep I have to push it away. If I were to let myself feel the enormous storm inside my broken soul, I wouldn't be able to stop crying. Nobody understands.

I am barely hanging on to the pieces I've spent months putting back together. Would it be fair to let go and just mourn while a beautiful life grows inside me? Would it be fair to cry for my loss when I have been blessed with life?

To the outside world I am moving forward. Our family is expanding. Those that don't know ask if she is my first...I pretend to not hear the question.

You, my son, are missing. Your sister is a blessing that has also made your absence shockingly painful and noticeable. My baby boy....my heart cries for your presence.

18 Days

Christmas is 18 days away. The past couple years I feel like I have survived without completely losing my mind. This year though, has unexpected challenges. This is my nephew's first Christmas, which means buying baby toys and watching one of the biggest firsts I couldn't wait for Gabriel to experience. In my heart I know that I will enjoy Christmas morning with my family. I know that we will laugh and make memories we will cherish for years to come. But it is hard to convince my mind of all the things my heart already knows to be true. I think what is making my fears seem so big is, of course, the extra dose of hormones running through my body!

I am beyond grateful to be pregnant again, especially with my little girl's movements growing stronger and more frequent. But, there is a small fear of her presence overshadowing my efforts to remember Gabriel during the holidays. In all honesty, I don't even know what to do for him this year. A part of me wants to curl up under a blanket and cry until I can't cry anymore. The idea of a little one running around my house next Christmas terrifies me. Now, do not get me wrong! Having a little one of my own to hold and spoil next year is a very welcomed change, but it is also a little scary. Like my previous post explains, I have an irrational fear of not being able to love both my children equally. As well as a fear of "forgetting" my son. (I know, IMPOSSIBLE!!)

New years is also extremely difficult. The idea that I have survived another year without Gabriel continues to boggle my mind. Not to mention we will officially be in 2015, the year our daughter will be born! For now I continue to pray for all the mom's and dad's out there who have someone missing from their arms this year.