10 months in heaven

Yesterday was Gabriels 10 month angelversary. Gary had to work and it rained all day, but despite the rain I still went out to see my little boy. I didn't have an umbrella, I didn't care if I got drenched or my shoes would soon caked in mud...I wanted to go out and sing him happy birthday. As I was making my mind up it occurred to me that yes, I am a mother. I was thinking exactly like a mother, nothing was coming between me and my baby! It felt nice, it even put a smile on my face that despite so many months and my recent feelings of wanting to "forget"... I love Gabriel so much to not miss a monthly birthday. After Gary got off work, despite the fact that it was dark and still raining, he asked me to drive him to the cemetery. I did happily and I let him have his own private moment with his son.
It's still hard some days, I don't know if it will ever not be hard for me. What amazes me is the loss of passion in my marriage since Gabriels passing. Gary and I get along fine, we laugh and joke around. We go about our daily lives as normally as we possibly can...but I've noticed most times we hardly kiss. When we do it is a quick peck. We still cuddle some nights and we still share the same bed...but I feel the passion missing. We don't make love, not hardly ever. Before we conceived Gabriel, sex was fun and full of amazing, intimate moments. Now I find myself feeling (especially since I'm on birth control) "what's the point of sex if we can't have a baby?"
Never in a million years did I think that would cross my mind! I am hoping to change this, I don't think Gary and I are falling apart or anything from this change but I fear we will if things don't change.

Oh Grief

These last few days have been a downwards spiral. After the new year I was beginning to feel optimistic, almost happy even but here grief is again trying to toss me to the ground. I have been eating almost non stop, never from hunger though. I've gained eight ugly pounds back which is just taunting my efforts to be healthy and happy! I'm tired of grief! I am so tired of feeling stripped of life, incapable of reforming my personality. Life keeps moving forward, I am coming to terms with the idea that time can't and won't turn back just for me. I think I am accepting that my Gabriel is truly gone, after all these months of fighting it I thought when I got to this point it would be okay...maybe even a relief to be out of the day dreams and such. No, instead it is painful. It physically hurts to remember or even think about Gabriel! I keep putting off going to the cemetery because I don't want to be reminded of who I've lost. I know I will never forget him, and I know that this to is (hopefully) just a phase. I've been trying so hard to focus on the amazing and beautiful memories I have with Gabriel but instead some part of me insists of burying the good and focusing on the bad. I get it, something heartbreaking and tragic happened to me but why can't I break free of the grip it has on me? I don't want to be defined by my pain, I don't want to be remembered as bitter or depressing...I want life again! I want that girl, that wonderful, innocent, full of life girl I used to be! I fear she has escaped forever, buried beneath the heart ache. Maybe someday she can be a part of me again, maybe for now it is to soon? I hope to push forward tomorrow, I need to lose weight...I need to be healthy if I plan to have more children.

To Gabriel

My Dearest Son,
I miss you. With every breath, with every beating of my heart...I miss you. I told myself I would change, that I would remember only the good, your beauty and your innocence. I try to put my trust in God, I want to believe you are safe and loved with a passion unimaginable to anything on earth. I want to believe that despite what it appears he did not steal you away, but rather saved you from this broken world. I want to believe the world was not ready for you...I want to believe He knows what He is doing, He knows your greater purpose. I try so hard to trust but my human heart is just so shattered, so broken. God blesses me, and I see this, but what a blessing it would be to have you in my arms. Though I know I will not get an answer I question why? Why you? Why us?
I find myself unable to look at your pictures most days, it hurts my heart with a pain I can't even describe. Often times if I stare at them to long I start to cry and the anger rises up inside me. The "what-ifs" eat away at me and I am left bitter and hateful. I don't want to be this way! I am so scared that I will not ever see you again, I am terrified that if I don't live my life perfectly that eternity with you will be so far out of my grasp. Some days I cry at the thought that I won't be good enough to see you again, that somehow we are destined to be apart. I want to believe that God loves me so much, that He sees right into my brokeness and has me destined to be with you. But I need guidance, you are my guardian angel. With your love and Gods love I hope to become greater and rise above my own selfish wants and desires...I just don't know how to start. Help me.

Love,
Mommy

New Years Blessings

Despite the bitter sweet moments during the holiday season, the new year has started off wonderful for Gary and I. I feel like we have started yet another chapter in our lives. A couple of weeks ago at our M.E.N.D. meeting there was a book mentioned that was called The Shack. It wasn't a major topic of discussion, more mentioned in passing. Honestly I didn't think much about it, it didn't sound like a book I would be interested in since it came across as a religious book. While cleaning up around my inlaws house (we were house sitting while they we in Rome) I happend to come across an audio book version of The Shack. It was to weird to be normal coincidence, so I thought of it as divine intervention. I popped the first disk in and spent most of that day and the next listening to the story. I haven't finished it yet since I am listening to it now with Gary but I feel like the anger I once carried towards God has started to melt away. I feel renewed in Gods love, and hopeful for a brighter future. Instead of looking for every little reminder of Gabriels death, I am focusing on remembering the beautiful nine months I had with him in my womb. Gary and I have started to say a prayer during dinner, I've even started to pray at night again. This year I made a blessings jar where I write down how God has blessed me and on New Years eve I will sit down a read through them to see the amazing and wonderful things that can happen in a year. And a week ago Garys parents helped us get a dependable car, which we have needed desperately. This year is looking up, I hope to rekindle broken friendships and live each moment the way God intends.