Oh Grief

These last few days have been a downwards spiral. After the new year I was beginning to feel optimistic, almost happy even but here grief is again trying to toss me to the ground. I have been eating almost non stop, never from hunger though. I've gained eight ugly pounds back which is just taunting my efforts to be healthy and happy! I'm tired of grief! I am so tired of feeling stripped of life, incapable of reforming my personality. Life keeps moving forward, I am coming to terms with the idea that time can't and won't turn back just for me. I think I am accepting that my Gabriel is truly gone, after all these months of fighting it I thought when I got to this point it would be okay...maybe even a relief to be out of the day dreams and such. No, instead it is painful. It physically hurts to remember or even think about Gabriel! I keep putting off going to the cemetery because I don't want to be reminded of who I've lost. I know I will never forget him, and I know that this to is (hopefully) just a phase. I've been trying so hard to focus on the amazing and beautiful memories I have with Gabriel but instead some part of me insists of burying the good and focusing on the bad. I get it, something heartbreaking and tragic happened to me but why can't I break free of the grip it has on me? I don't want to be defined by my pain, I don't want to be remembered as bitter or depressing...I want life again! I want that girl, that wonderful, innocent, full of life girl I used to be! I fear she has escaped forever, buried beneath the heart ache. Maybe someday she can be a part of me again, maybe for now it is to soon? I hope to push forward tomorrow, I need to lose weight...I need to be healthy if I plan to have more children.