Another Year

Today I've been dreaming of the future that could have been but wasn't. I often find myself wondering how different my life would be right now...what would his laugh sound like? Where would he be ticklish? Would bath time be full of tears and shrieking, or laughter as I was drenched in water? The list goes on and on. But it didn't hurt to think of these events, it didn't bring tears to my eyes...I just wished I could have known Gabriel outside of my womb. I do know he was a Daddy's boy. Everytime Gary would come home and Gabriel heard his voice my ribs became punching bags. I craved spicy foods while pregnant but Gabriel was just like his mommy, no seafood! (I was never fond of the smell but when I was pregnant it became unbearable!) I know he was spoiled rotten and would be upon arrival as well. I know he knew love, he knew laughter and the sound of his mommys heartbeat. I know he LOVED Star Wars, especially when Daddy would read to him from a Star Wars book. He loved music, especially "You'll be in my heart" by Phil Collins. (He always perked up to that song)
I am blessed, I was given nine beautiful months with my son. I didn't miss a moment of his life, I talked to him daily and dreamed of bringing him home nightly. We are a little over a month away from his first birthday in heaven. To be honest, I didn't know I could make it this far but somehow I have. We originally were going to start trying again in April, but have decided to wait another year so I can lose weight and (hopefully) get my diabetes under control. For the last week and a half I've had dreams about losing children anywhere from early miscarriage to right before birth. Despite what the dream dictionaries say, I decided to take those dreams as a sign from God that maybe we aren't as ready as I wish we could be. Another year seems like so long, but, I have to lose weight and give my future baby a chance to be born healthy. What is one more year when you are looking at the life of your child, your husband, and yourself?