13 Months

It may seem silly to some but I have decided that I will continue to celebrate monthly birthdays for the time being. I still can't believe how quickly time vanishes, sometimes I close my eyes and it was just yesterday when I held my precious Gabriel for the first time. We went out to see him today and brought along a small Hulk toy. (What boy doesn't love Hulk???) It was so beautiful out too. It reminded me of last summer when I would take the blanket out to the cemetery and lay there for hours, it brought me such peace. This summer will be my first summer away from Springfield since before I was pregnant. It would be a lie to say I'm not nervous, maybe even borderline terrified! In June I go on a week and a half long vacation to Florida with Gary, which shouldn't be too bad. But about two weeks from when we get back from there, I head out to Oregon to see my moms side of the family for a month. I've needed the break away for a little bit and Oregon has always been a place where I can go to think and become closer to myself again. It's the place I figure out what I want and what I believe. In the past it hasn't been a problem to pack up and head out for the month but this year....I am a lot more hesitant. It seems silly almost, Gabriel will be with me no matter what but I guess it has been a luxury to be right down the road from where he rests. The thought of being so far away from him almost makes me cringe but why?

Life of Pi

Last night my husband and I decided to rent Life of Pi. We had heard it was a good movie and to say the least, I am in love with this movie! Despite the challenges that Pi faces, he is still praising God through his heartbreaks and fear. To be honest, I felt inspired and thought to myself that maybe it is time for me to ask for help from God more often. God is strong enough to handle my anger, my tears, and so much more.
I did a lot of thinking yesterday and somewhere saw the quote that "God doesn't give us what we can't handle." I disagree. The more I've thought about it these past few hours, the more I have come to the conclusion that it isn't God who gives us to much but instead life. Circumstances of life give us to much to carry in our hearts alone, and so we are left to carry the weight ourselves. Or we can turn to God, nothing is to great for him. When we feel helpless, when our world seems to be falling apart...God is simply waiting for us to come to him. So where life breaks our will...God gives us the strength to keep going, all we have to do is ask.

Awakening

Yesterday I found myself reminiscing on the memories of my pregnancy. While waiting for my husband to get out of work, I parked in my favorite parking spot where I would sit and read library books as Gabriel would squirm around. I also drove the scenic route past the hospital and the doctors office on my way home...it wasn't painful to remember, it was sad though to think of what we could be doing if Gabriel was here. It doesn't seem like it's been over a year yet...it still feels like yesterday when I held him close to me and breathed in the innocent scent of birth. I wish I could hold him to my chest still though....I wish I could hear his first word, watch him take his first steps, feel the slobbering kisses...

Tonight I watched Steel Magnolias, the new version, but from where I started it was a wonderful movie. At the end though, as the mother held her daughters hand for the last time, my heart fell to pieces. It is a sad movie to begin with, but this was the first movie I connected with that truly made me feel like a mother. I understood the deep feelings of love and devotion to your child, I understood the pain of feeling helpless when as a mother you're supposed to "fix it". This movie exposed very raw emotions for me, it reminded me that even though my child isn't here...I am still a mother. When a child cries, a natural instinct kicks in to protect and soothe. I no longer feel awkward around children, it is almost unnatural for me not to want to hold babies or crawl on the floor with toddlers. Motherhood is life changing, beautiful, over-bearing, scary and the most wonderful gift in the world. Even though my son isn't here, it doesn't make me less of a mother...Steel Magnolias woke me up.

My Telescope

I can't help but day dream about how different life could be right now. I close my eyes and imagine Gabriels adorable smile, I see his beautiful eyes shinning brightly with innocence. It makes me smile to imagine him walking around in tiny shoes because let's face it, those itty bitty feet in shoes that fit in the palm of your hand is just adorable and funny all at the same time!
A few weeks ago I was talking with my grandma, she has suffered multiple losses ranging anywhere from early miscarriage to full term stillbirth. She told me to think of Gabriel and imagine looking through a telescope, even though he is far away my telescope makes it possible to see him clearly. I loved when she told me this and these last few weeks I have caught myself more than once with my feet propped up and lost in day dreams of what Gabriel looks like. Some people might consider this a sign that I'm not moving forward, or that I am postponing the inevitable truth that Gabriel is in heaven. I know he is in heaven though! And taking a few moments out of my day to just imagine how old he would be now is so wonderful. I don't cry when I think of him, I smile and see him more clearly than I ever have since his passing. It gets me through the hard times, and some days it is so vivid I feel like I am getting a sneak-peak straight into heaven.

A First Heavenly Birthday

March 29th was Gabriels first heavenly birthday. It was a milestone, the end of a year of "firsts". Despite the temptation to stay in bed all day, a flower delivery from M.E.N.D. had us up and out of bed. We received a beautiful white rose, a single one to signify his first birthday. Our next stop came from our desire to make something special together, and what better place than Build-A-Bear? Surprisingly, it brought a lot of comfort to make our Jedi clothed bear named Obi-Bear Kenobi. Our next stop was to get balloons filled. A few months ago we found balloons with Gabriels name on them at Party City. What better way to send a special birthday message to heaven?! After that was our first stop to the cemetery with Garys parents. When we got there I saw that my mom had been the first to leave a bouquet of white and green flowers with a blue "first birthday" balloon. Because of the rain in the early morning, the cemetery was slippery with mud, but I didn't care. Nothing was going to ruin this day! Garys parents brought four balloons and another beautiful bouquet of flowers and while we were out visiting, Garys mom read to us a passage from a book called "Heaven is for Real". They also gave us a beautiful gift with the scripture,"Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and humble of heart...and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29) What a powerful scripture, and perfect for the celebration of the ending of a year of struggle. After we had said our goodbyes, we met my dad, little brother and stepmother about an hour at the cemetery, trip 2 of the day to see our little man! They brought with them a bouquet of orange flowers, a Build-A-Bear puppy named Yoda Gimlin and three rocks (a jewish tradition). My heart was full of happiness and love as I stood back and looked at all the flowers and balloons. After a short visit we headed to my moms for the rest of the evening to wait for the balloon release I had planned for 6:45p.m. I had everybody take two note cards and write the same birthday message on both cards, one to tie to the balloon and the other for me to put in Gabriels scrapbook. At 7:30p.m., when sunrise had already begun, we released the balloons to Gabriels song "Look through my eyes" by Phil Collins. It was an emotional experience, and even though I hadn't cried for most of the day, I finally broke down as I watched the balloons float away to heaven. My mom came up to me and I clung to her like every child does when they are hurting, my dad was next. I haven't cried since that night. The rest of the evening was spent at my moms, enjoying a simple dinner and calm company. It was a long day, but a beautiful one where I tried to focus my energy on remembering Gabriels life and the memories I hold close to my heart. And now we head in to year two already!