Awakening

Yesterday I found myself reminiscing on the memories of my pregnancy. While waiting for my husband to get out of work, I parked in my favorite parking spot where I would sit and read library books as Gabriel would squirm around. I also drove the scenic route past the hospital and the doctors office on my way home...it wasn't painful to remember, it was sad though to think of what we could be doing if Gabriel was here. It doesn't seem like it's been over a year yet...it still feels like yesterday when I held him close to me and breathed in the innocent scent of birth. I wish I could hold him to my chest still though....I wish I could hear his first word, watch him take his first steps, feel the slobbering kisses...

Tonight I watched Steel Magnolias, the new version, but from where I started it was a wonderful movie. At the end though, as the mother held her daughters hand for the last time, my heart fell to pieces. It is a sad movie to begin with, but this was the first movie I connected with that truly made me feel like a mother. I understood the deep feelings of love and devotion to your child, I understood the pain of feeling helpless when as a mother you're supposed to "fix it". This movie exposed very raw emotions for me, it reminded me that even though my child isn't here...I am still a mother. When a child cries, a natural instinct kicks in to protect and soothe. I no longer feel awkward around children, it is almost unnatural for me not to want to hold babies or crawl on the floor with toddlers. Motherhood is life changing, beautiful, over-bearing, scary and the most wonderful gift in the world. Even though my son isn't here, it doesn't make me less of a mother...Steel Magnolias woke me up.