The Ugly Side

Grief can get ugly. It can leave you feeling vulnerable, cheated, and exhausted (and of course a whole rotten buffet of emotions). Lately I have been battling my grief, I've been fighting to keep it from ravaging my happiness. While at the park today I thought I would be a mess from all the families and little ones running around, but instead I looked at the funny and adorable things that the kids were doing while their parents were to busy to notice. More than once I caught myself laughing out loud and wished so badly I could take pictures and capture the moments that these parents weren't. (I've already determined I will have a camera attached to me at all times with my children but not for the posed shots. I love photos with action or when you catch a shot of them doing something when they think no one is looking). After the park and Gary had his fill of L.A.R.P.ing with his friends, we headed to the store for some fresh flowers and were on our way to the cemetery. We took our photos and spent time laying in the grass with Gabriel. When it came time to head home grief sucker punched me and anger boiled in my veins. I had just spent all day watching siblings play together and run around, but when I have my next baby...who will they run around with? So I yelled at him, "why did you go? Who gave you permission to leave me?" The tears fell and before I knew it we were in the car driving away. A nasty knot of guilt settled right in my stomach, how do I know if Gabriel had a choice or not? How was his death any fault of his? I cried so hard and Gary finally pulled over at a gas station to hold me. I've never really thought about what it will be like to watch Gabriels future brothers and sisters grow up...but from what I've heard it can be bitter sweet. For now I'm okay with being just Gabriels mommy, a pregnancy test proved that point a couple weeks ago when I let out a sigh of relief when the test was negative. But someday I'll want another baby, someday I'll want someone to hold in these empty arms.

*the picture of me in the car is what inspired this post, it was me crying and after debating whether or not to post it...I decided not to hide the ugly reality of sucker punches in grief.

Time for A Change

Summer break is coming quickly and I am pleased to say that I am finally getting away from this town for vacation!! It has been a very much needed break away. In about 3 weeks my husband, his family and I are all going to Florida and to Disney. This will be mine and Garys first trip out of state together. We plan to include Gabriels memory by bringing a picture of our handsome boy and having the Disney characters hold the picture when we get little family photos. I'll admit that I am a little scared to go since it will be our first trip away. It seems silly to be so worried about it...maybe it's because I'm so used to having the luxury of being able to drive to the cemetery whenever I want but on those days, I won't be able to.
A couple weeks after we get home from Florida I go by myself to Oregon for a month. My moms side of the family lives there and it has always been a safe haven for me, a place of spiritual growth even. I stay in this small town where you can literally walk anywhere, and the nature is absolutely gorgeous. I think it will be a good thing for me. As much as my family at home tries to be sympathetic and help me through my grief, they can only do so much. Both my grandmother and aunt in Oregon have had losses in their life, and I think being able to talk through the difficult times at the moment they are happening will help me to heal. I always seem to come back as a stronger and better person. Something about being there helps me grow in ways I can't while I'm home surrounded by the drama.
I have also decided to go to college when I get back. I have already filled out my paperwork and I am just waiting to be accepted! I feel it is time to start doing thingss with my life. I have survived the first year, I can't let my life waste away while I lay cooped up in the house. I want to make Gabriel proud, I want to someday go to heaven and tell him about all the things he inspired me to do!

My Second Mothers Day

The day has passed, the heavy stressful weight has been lifted and we survived! This year Gary worked all day again but I got to spend the day with my mom, my two sisters, my friend Brittanie and her adorable son. I won't lie, the start of the morning was hard! I didn't want to get out of bed and as soon as the words "Happy Mothers Day" left Garys lips, I didn't want to even think about being recognized as a mom. It's weird, where other women are begging to be recognized as mothers still, I am wanting quite the opposite. Gabriel will always be a part of me, he will always be my son and I am not trying to deny his existence. But, it is so painful to remember that where I should be waking up to a smiling one year old, instead, I am waking up empty arms. In my own grief I am trying to remember the good moments I had with Gabriel, but for some reason when people remind me that yes, I am a mother....it just brings forth all the beautiful things I'm missing out on.
It was a much nicer day though when I finally put down my phone down and took a huge step back from Facebook. And when I got to see my friend and her little boy, my heart could not have been any fuller with happiness! After a while, it didn't even feel like Mothers Day, it just felt like I was being around people I care and love about. Having a little baby to hold gave my aching heart some comfort! I don't know what it is but seeing little babies always eases the pain, I think it's because they are so full of innocence.
After Gary got home we went out to see Gabriel together. I actually hadn't cried all day until Gary told me to close my eyes and placed a hand made card into my hands. He had taken copies of Gabriels foot and handprints to use with my card, it is the first card in my entire life that brought tears to my eyes. It was the only gift I got for Mothers Day but it was more than enough!

We Are Here

Last night I had a melt down. It has been a little while since the tears fell so heavily. I can't believe how much of an emotional mess the arrival of Mothers Day is making. Though it hurt last year, I remember feeling so much more numb to the festivities happening out in the world...but this year I haven't managed to numb myself. I typically try not to focus on everything I am missing out on with Gabriel, but yesterday was just brutal and raw! While shopping with my sisters for our Mothers Day gifts for our mom, I attempted to find a card to recognize the role of grandmother for my mom. Of course nothing fit for our unique situation! There are cards for everyone! The adoptive mom, the mom of pets, the expectant mom, the grandmom, the great grandmom, the stepmother, the aunt that is like a mom...but hallmark has left out a very large group of moms, the bereaved moms!! I know I said this the other day, but what about us? Is it truly that hard for the writers of hallmark to come up with a beautiful message that can simply recognize that we are moms too?

Not My First

Mothers Day is fast approaching, my stomach seems to be in knots and to be honest...I thought I would be better this year. This isn't my "first" Mothers Day, I survived my year of firsts already, but I guess I am disappointed in myself. Not to mention that this year, the advertisements and commercials and store decorations seem to be exploding all over the place! I can't go a single day without getting at least five emails about the "perfect mothers day gift". Everytime I go into Walmart just to get some groceries there are cards everywhere, pretty little gifts lurk around every corner...I'm practically choking on it all! I wish I could just be happy for the mothers around me who are holding their children, I wish I could just be thankful for the women who don't know this pain...and yet, I am selfish and jealous. I want to just shake the naive happiness from the woman around me and make them realize how lucky they are. Maybe they already know how blessed they are...maybe not. I don't want to be so negative and yet I want to pop ever Mothers Day balloon, break every single mug with a silly message to "mommy", burn every card, and pick the petals off every last flower! Where are the presents for the grieving mothers? Why can't stores have a special section of cards just for us?
This time seems so painful. I'm trying to put on a brave face, I want to make the day about MY mommy...but this person inside of me whispers,"what about me? Where is my recognition?" And I wonder, where are my kisses? Where is the breakfast prepared for me in bed? Where are my handmade cards and gifts made from hand and footprints? How cruel is it to be a "mother", to feel the need and want to hold your child but it has all been ripped away. Instead of me getting flowers from my baby, I will bring flowers to him at his grave...instead of breakfast in bed, I will bring the cupcakes to the cemetery...instead of hugs and kisses, I will lay over the soft ground where he rests and cry. While most of the world is on cloud nine celebrating the women who are mothers with fancy lunches, gifts, and dinners.....I will be at the cemetery.