The Ugly Side

Grief can get ugly. It can leave you feeling vulnerable, cheated, and exhausted (and of course a whole rotten buffet of emotions). Lately I have been battling my grief, I've been fighting to keep it from ravaging my happiness. While at the park today I thought I would be a mess from all the families and little ones running around, but instead I looked at the funny and adorable things that the kids were doing while their parents were to busy to notice. More than once I caught myself laughing out loud and wished so badly I could take pictures and capture the moments that these parents weren't. (I've already determined I will have a camera attached to me at all times with my children but not for the posed shots. I love photos with action or when you catch a shot of them doing something when they think no one is looking). After the park and Gary had his fill of L.A.R.P.ing with his friends, we headed to the store for some fresh flowers and were on our way to the cemetery. We took our photos and spent time laying in the grass with Gabriel. When it came time to head home grief sucker punched me and anger boiled in my veins. I had just spent all day watching siblings play together and run around, but when I have my next baby...who will they run around with? So I yelled at him, "why did you go? Who gave you permission to leave me?" The tears fell and before I knew it we were in the car driving away. A nasty knot of guilt settled right in my stomach, how do I know if Gabriel had a choice or not? How was his death any fault of his? I cried so hard and Gary finally pulled over at a gas station to hold me. I've never really thought about what it will be like to watch Gabriels future brothers and sisters grow up...but from what I've heard it can be bitter sweet. For now I'm okay with being just Gabriels mommy, a pregnancy test proved that point a couple weeks ago when I let out a sigh of relief when the test was negative. But someday I'll want another baby, someday I'll want someone to hold in these empty arms.

*the picture of me in the car is what inspired this post, it was me crying and after debating whether or not to post it...I decided not to hide the ugly reality of sucker punches in grief.