Chills

My horoscope gave me chills, especially on Gabriels 15 month anniversary. God has plans for me, I can feel it in my heart and soul.

Pisces horoscope for Jun 29 2013

A greater feeling of peace and harmony is descending on your life now, Pisces. You have been torn over circumstances that seemed to have no solution. You have been immersed in a great pool of stress and worry. You have felt betrayed or picked on or misunderstood. With all of this going on, it has been hard to find your center. It has been hard to find balance. It has been impossible to achieve harmony and happiness. But something has shifted. You will soon find relief from your most pressing problems and concerns. Look forward to this with anticipation, and embrace it when it arrives. Don't choose to keep dwelling on the past. -- Copyright © DailyHoroscope. Download it now — http://bit.ly/DHmobile

Arrived "Home"

It's hard to believe I'm here already! The hours have flown by faster than I could have ever expected. This morning my trip started with tearful goodbyes and a tummy full of nervous butterflies, but during take off a serine calm came over me. I watched as we climbed by thousands of feet, the sun rise above Kansas City. Colors mixed together in a water color painting, I knew my angel baby was here to comfort me. On the flight we also flew over the Grand Canyon which was of course beautiful in the early morning sun. Before I knew it though, Portland was beneath me and my heart was sailing. Everything in the world seemed right, seemed perfect even. During the ride home I even found the scrapbook I am using for my Gabriel scrapbook! That just baffled me and I knew coming to Oregon was the right thing. It will be a beautiful trip, I believe God had a hand in guiding the process to get me here.

48 Hours and Counting

It's 2:30a.m. right now and I can't sleep! In less than 48 hours I will be on the road for my 4 hour drive to the airport. From there, a five hour flight to Oregon, with one stop but no plane change in between. My first vacation this summer was amazing, despite my fears and panic attacks. This feels different, I wasn't missing any "important" dates when we went to Florida...with this trip I am missing two of Gabriels monthly birthdays and it will be my first time away from my husband. Since Gabriels passing the longest Gary have been apart is his 8-9 hour work shift....now I'm heading off for a month!! I keep telling myself that everything will be fine. I actually want this trip to begin a form of healing my soul has been aching for. With two of my family members (one a short walk away and the other I will be staying with) who have also been through child loss, maybe I can get the one on one venting I need. My monthly support group is amazing, don't get me wrong, but often times we get new families and it's hard to compact everything you need advice on into one two hour session with other families trying to do the same. I need more! I ask that you pray for me. Pray for my guidance into a new phase of healing, that a place that has always been my safe haven will still be a place of security and love.

Father's Day 2013

Our second Father's Day has now come and gone. For me it seems almost impossible for us to be working our way up through the list of "seconds"....it makes me panic to think we are working up to his second heavenly birthday already! It has felt like eternity since I watched Gary holding our little one and yet the days since have gone by in a blink of an eye. Yesterday started off with chocolate cupcakes for breakfast at the cemetery. Since Gary's birthday was yesterday too I thought it would be a sweet gesture to sing Happy Birthday to him, he loved it! After that we went to the park so Gary could play his weekly role-playing game with all the other guys and while I was out there I finished the greatest book I have ever read. It is called, "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. This book was written beautifully and I highly recommend reading it if you are struggling with your faith after experiencing a loss. I feel a tugging in my heart again and maybe it is time that I turn to God to let him help heal my soul. We ended the night with a very relaxing dinner at Cheddar's with my mom and her boyfriend. We didn't talk about Gabriel at all during the day, which of course felt odd and out of place for me. I don't think it was intentional and at the end of the day, Gary had an amazing time.

Magic Kingdom

Day 4 (June 10,2013)
After an amazing night of sleep and a lazy morning that led into the early afternoon, Gary and I were on our way to Magic Kingdom. We rode the tram to the front gate, scanned our tickets and were quickly stopped by a mid-day parade that we had no idea was going to happen. There was something magical about watching the Disney characters dance around, the princesses held close to their prince chartings...for a moment I felt like life was full of innocence once again. (As cliche as that sounds)
After the parade we tried to find shelter for a few moments from the heat and ended up in a line we thought was for a Mickey Mouse show...before long we were standing in front of the character himself for a photo opportunity! Quickly we grabbed out our picture of Gabriel and without a funny look or question got yet another perfect family photo. The rest of the day we spent walking around in the heat, collecting fast passes and stopping to catch small shows here and there. Of course there were plenty of photo ops for our little jedi bear along the way. By the evening I felt like a child myself. The world seemed brighter and caught up in the moment I decided to ride "It's A Small World". The line was short and as we sat down in our boat I handed Gary one of two dimes I dug out of my pocket. While we had been waiting for the ride to begin I noticed thousands of coins in the shallow water. I knew that this was the best place to make a wish, amongst thousands of wishes from all over the world. I still don't know what Gary wished for, and I hope he wished for something he truly wants. As for me, I won't go into much detail but I wished for something beautiful and magnificent. I wished for healing that comes from only heaven itself. And though I know that everything is done in God's perfect timing, I hope he heard my heart that night.
After the wishes were cast and a short ride spent in awe of the beauty this ride contained, we were off to see the fireworks. We weren't in front of the castle, but off to the side where the crowds weren't quite as bad. I was still very much caught up in the innocence that surrounded me. The fireworks were beautiful, and before long I found myself crying as a swarm of emotions swept me away. In a moment I felt thankful, aching, exalted, beautiful, young, and so many other things...here I was next to the man of my dreams, my prince charming and yet feeling incomplete. My wish has yet to be granted but I know, someday, my dreams will bring me more happiness that I can even begin to imagine. As the fireworks lit up the sky tears were falling down my cheeks and I found myself praying and wishing. I was hopeful, I felt renewed.
After the fireworks we made our way to the teacups. Gary had us spinning out of control, the world around us was a blur...but we were laughing and looking into each others eyes like we haven't done since before Gabriel's passing. I fell in love with my husband again and it sank in that it didn't matter how out of control the world was spinning around us. We were together, man and wife, a mother and father.
I know how cliche all this sounds, I really really do...but I feel like maybe something is changing within us. Maybe we've awakened to God's calling to us. Only time will tell.

Hollywood Studios

We are now four days in to vacation. As expected I have had moments where life is higher than the clouds and in an instant can be lower than the depths of the sea. I have so much to talk about....

Day 1 (June 7,2013)
This is the day we began our trip to Florida. I actually woke up excited, ready to start vacationing and stop worrying about every little thing. But by the time we got to the cemetery to leave flowers for Gabriel, I had to bite my lip to keep from crying, which of course didn't work for very long at all! I was in tears because it wasn't fair that while I was leaving to enjoy myself, my baby couldn't physically come with me. We told him about how we were going to include him, how much we missed and loved him and how we would find the best souvenir we could. A few short hours from that moment we were off on the plane, my panic attacks from flying were in full swing and I was a train wreck. Upon landing at the airport, we took the hour long car ride to my husbands grandparents house. Of course everyone was enthralled with the little children in the house (Gary's older brothers kids). I wasn't jealous of the kids getting attention, I wasn't hurt that my sister-in-law was getting to brag about her fourth pregnancy, but what upset me the most was that no one bothered to ask me if I was okay. No one asked how our M.E.N.D. meetings were going, how were me and Gary doing...before long I didn't feel right about going on this trip at all. I was ready to pack my bags and walk home if needed! So with an early bed time and a few hours of reading "See" by Mary-Beth Chapman (which has so far been an amazing and beautiful book for me), I was off for an early bed time.

Day 2 (June 8,2013)
After a wonderful breakfast at Denny's the family was all packed up and ready to head to Mims, FL from Palm Coast, FL. We were headed to see some of Gary's extended family and stay the night visiting. When we got there, despite my nerves of meeting more of the crazy family I married in to, I was welcomed with open arms and even felt like I had known these people for years. At one point during the conversation Gary's grandpa had talked about how Gary's older brother and sister-in-law make such beautiful children. Nothing was mentioned about Gabriel so of course my stupid hormones took over. Luckily I had time to grab Gary and drag him down the hall so he could hold me as I cried. It felt wrong to know that my son should be here playing with his cousins too. I should be told how beautiful my baby is...but after I let it all out in tears, I just cuddled myself up with Gabriel's blanket and teddy bear. The rest of the evening was filled with wonderful family memories, and even at this point it was such a joy to have the time I did with my nephews and niece. After a very calming storm and yummy pizza, another of Gary's aunts came over. She truly changed my entire vacation in a single sentence. Amidst all the normal chitter-chatter and joking she turned to me and asked,"How are YOU doing?"
I was speechless, and in a moment threw out a simple answer of "good". Here was a woman who barely new me but for maybe a few minutes and she cared enough to ask me how I was. I could tell in her voice she meant emotionally, not just your every day greeting. That night I went to bed elated. I felt wonderful and thankful but most of all I was happy that someone had finally acknowledged Gabriel.

Day 3 (June 9,2013)
With an early alarm of 6:15a.m. we were out on the road and heading down to Disney for the last day of the Star Wars Weekends. Gary and I were beyond excited and we had a few tag-alongs for the day too. (His cousin and sister, Alyssa) I was nervous about pulling out Gabriel's teddy bear for the pictures with all the different characters and Hollywood Studios. Surprisingly, I got an approving response, people loved the bear in his tiny jedi robe! What was best is that no one questioned why we were doing this and I didn't have to tell the tragic story of losing my son. We had a blast though, but one moment will always be a fond memory of mine. Gary has a favorite character, Boba Fett and during the Star Wars event they had stations set up where you could get pictures with different Star Wars characters. Boba Fett and Jengo Fett both switch out of the station at different intervals so really there is no guarantee what bounty hunter you will get a picture with. (The Disney employees are really good at letting you know this ahead of time) Well, it was mid-afternoon and just after the heat of the day so we were pretty exhausted! We already had a picture with Jengo Fett, since the characters had switched out as we got to the front of the line, and this time we were hoping to get a picture with Boba Fett. We waited patiently, teddy bear in hand, only to get a five minute warning at the same spot we had been at early while we were in line! (Mind you the characters had already switched once during our wait time) I couldn't believe we might miss this one picture! I quickly urged Gary to talk to an employee about our situation and let him know why we needed this picture. The employee promised the characters wouldn't switch until after Gary and I got our picture!! I was beyond thankful and just wanted to hug the guy because he didn't know how much this would mean to us, and apparently, I had no idea how much this would mean to Gary.
You know when a kid meets their favorite super hero of all time and their eyes light up? Gary got to the front of the line, clutching to his chest the picture we had of Gabriel (which hadn't left the back pack yet today) and in his other arm was the bear. He looked at Boba Fett and explained how we needed two pictures. I was ready with the camera and took the bear from Gary's arms. There he was, smiling with his favorite character and a picture of our precious Gabriel between the two of them. After that we got a picture with Boba Fett, Gary, the bear and me but when Gary started to walk away Boba Fett placed his arm on Gary's shoulder and gave a sympathetic nod.
Gary told me as we walked away that he was shaking and ready to cry, he told me how he told Boba Fett that our Gabriel had died a year ago and all he wanted was a picture with his son and his favorite character. He told me it was the next best thing to having Gabriel with us and how this one moment had made his vacation. I watched tears swell up in my husbands eyes, a simple moment that I will forever cherish. So beautiful, so raw....God blessed me with the chance to be a part of something so meaningful in Gary's life. Who knew something so small, a simple moment, could mean so much?

4 Days

The big count down is here, four days till our trip to Florida. I want to be excited, I want to be beside myself with happiness...but I'm not. I'm dreading this! I've been putting off packing, I've started crying almost every day and I feel guilty. Vacationing shouldn't feel this hard! I feel like I'm abandoning Gabriel and this just isn't the way it is supposed to be. On a good note, I did finally get a picture printed out and framed for our Disney family pictures. I don't know what kind of reaction we are going to get when we take these pictures but Gabriel is and always will be a very important family member. I really miss him though...and I wish he was here so I could pack his adorable outfits and see his eyes light up when he meets Mickey Mouse! (Either that or he would cry in fear and it would still be adorable) I'm scared about my month long vacation after Disney too. I will miss two of his monthly birthdays while I'm gone and he won't just be a short drive away from me. I need all the prayers I can get, every hour that goes by just seems to make it harder and I really want to just relax!!