16 Months

A few hours ago I received a text from my husband, "I wished Gabriel a happy birthday for you and told him we'll both be out to visit him in a few days."
Birthday? What birthday?
I just sat there, staring at my phone, confused. I brought up my calendar and it was true, Gabriels' 16 month heavenly birthday is today. I anticipated the familiar stab in my heart, "be over quick" I prayed. Nothing. No tears tried to spill over my eye lashes, no memories flooded my mind...I was simply okay.
I've been wondering lately if the healing I feel has all been in my head, that maybe I was still just as broken and damaged as when I came here. I now think otherwise. I think this is a huge step, right? It's not that I don't think of my baby almost daily, but the crying episodes have yet to happen. Occasionally the tears escape but I think its only been about three times since I arrived, a considerably less amount than the month before I came to Oregon.
After coming to the diagnosis that my heart was still in tact, I had a split moment of relief. So, I thought, this is what it feels like when the storm has passed. But then I felt guilty, why should I feel okay? Is it really okay for me to feel okay about this? I swear you could have opened up my mind and heart to see two versions of me debating why it was and why it wasn't okay for me to feel this way. Both sides put up a great argument but I finally came to the conclusion that this is the proof I've been looking for. It's okay that I don't cry every monthly birthday, I think choosing the 29th (if anything) left me celebrating the anniversary of his death more than his precious life. I think a visit once a month is not to much but I have decided instead to choose a different day each month to visit and bring flowers. Gabriels' scrapbook has finally given me a place to record his precious life, and as cliché as it sounds, I can finally close this chapter and start a new one. I won't leave Gabriel behind, I'm sure I will still think of him and dream of him, and I'm under no expectation that it will all be sunshine from this point forward. I'm just done with hurting or feeling like I have to hurt every day just to show how much I love him. My only fear now is going home and no one else seeing the growth and love within me, I can't go back there, I don't want to go back to the darkness...I want to spend the rest of my time celebrating life! I will remember the beautiful moments I had with Gabriel, how can I forget such a perfect little boy? But it's time to step forward, the light is breaking through and I'm ready to face the world stronger and happier than I have ever been.

There's Always A "but..."

I wish I could say I haven't been posting for lack of heart breaking events in my life, but if I did, it would be a lie.
Oregon has so far been an amazing trip for me, one I needed for my soul and spirit. Back home I was stuck, surrounded on all sides by empty walls and a silent home. Every hour held painful memories, even if I tried to pretend I was "okay", on the inside I was falling apart. Escaping from home has given me a chance to center myself again. I've been moving forward even! I don't think of all the bad things that happened at the end of my pregnancy but instead I focus on celebrating Gabriels' precious life. Grief still checks in every once in a while, but it's only for a moment before I imagine Gabriels' beautiful smile in heaven. Somewhere in my heart, I know he doesn't want me to waste my life being sad or miserable all the time. Just like I would want only happiness in life, he only wants the same for me. I still believe the 29th of each month will be a little hard, but I am okay with that. Every day my goal is to now remember the happiness we shared, the joy in the feeling of his first kick, the pure love that brought tears to my eyes when I first heard his heartbeat. I can't let the pain or the grief rob me of my time with Gabriel. I will always miss and love my son and I know that there are still unforeseen struggles I will have to face along the way. I finally see some sunshine after the end of this storm.
But, in the last week I have found out some life changing news. I wish it was good news, I could use that right about now. I can't go into detail because I don't even know how to start processing this. I am in shock, denial even. If you would lift me and my family up in prayer right now, it would be a wonderful gift for me. 

In Love

I haven't had much to post about recently...I don't think I have enjoyed my life this much since I first found out I was pregnant with Gabriel! It has been such a relaxing joy to be in Oregon. I love the fresh air and the beautiful scenery, a part of me doesn't want to go home. Since I will be going home though I plan to thoroughly enjoy the next three weeks and hopefully I can keep this beautiful, peaceful energy while I'm at home. Gary and I are considering moving up here in a few years after I am done with school, who knows where we will end up?!

4th of July

I know this post is a few days late but I wanted to talk about my fourth of July. In a last minute frenzy, my grandmother decided we would have the family over for a BBQ in the evening, which based on my uncles work schedule ended up being in the early afternoon. It was nice for all of us to be together, and I'm actually pretty proud of myself for holding it together. Not to say that the day didn't have its amazing moments and there was plenty of laughter to go around. But, to me there was a missing piece to the picture perfect fun. Normally I would be heading out to the cemetery to light up a few little sparklers with my little man, but that is hard to do thousands of miles away. It was a very profound moment when I watched my baby cousin Ivan walking around and I knew there was another little boy that should be with me. My heart ached, it would be a lie to say that everything has been perfect or wonderful every moment of every day. This trip so far has brought a form of peace though. For once I am not spending every second crying or hurting for Gabriel. I am not alone with nothing but silence for my company. I laugh again, a true laugh of happiness without the edges of pretend joy. I almost don't want to go home...I feel safe. Not to say that I don't miss Gabriel, or Gary for that matter but Oregon has always been a place of peace and happiness for me. There are no sad memories here, my dreams did not die in this place...if anything, being here has me thinking more. I dig deeper inside myself, I pull out the broken pieces and carefully wash away the mess. I have also been working on Gabriel's scrapbook which has brought back a much desired amount of healing and memories from my pregnancy. I've been happy to remember so many precious and beautiful moments that have been buried under my grief. I am stuck though, the next part of my scrapbook is about having him only to say goodbye. It is hard not to be sad, and I don't want to remember the pain when I have just so recently rediscovered the joy he brought me. I ask that you pray for me, pray that I have the strength to face the darkness and rise above it once again. Gabriel will always be in my heart but I am tired of remembering the loss and not celebrating his innocence and the amazing nine months I had with him.

Meeting Ivan

Today I met my youngest cousin Ivan, he was born exactly a month before my precious Gabriel. This meeting has been a haunting thought since I entered the city limits of Dallas, Oregon. (In all honesty, it has been a constant thought since the plane ticket was bought) I was terrified to meet him. My grandmother, sister and I spent most of the day out and ended up invited to my cousin Cierra's softball game (Ivan's big sister). I knew my Aunt would be there with the two younger boys...I wasn't prepared. I didn't feel ready for this meeting but to everyone's surprise his first reaction to me was to give me a big hug. According to my Aunt, Ivan doesn't show affection...especially to people who don't know him but here was this little boy that had never met me giving me the most comforting hug. I spent the rest of the softball game struggling to pry my eyes away from this sweet boy, and every once in a while I would get more of these little hugs. I wanted to cry, it felt as if Gabriel was there, telling me it was okay. Even though it wasn't Gabriel hugging me, I still felt peace as if it was Gabriel's little arms around me. This trip may bring more healing than I originally anticipated, I honestly can't wait to see baby Ivan again. I can't wait to hold him, to watch him play and explore the world around him. I adore his beautiful eyes and the way they light up when he laughs. I think Ivan will always have a very special place in my heart, right next to where my love for Gabriel is.