4th of July

I know this post is a few days late but I wanted to talk about my fourth of July. In a last minute frenzy, my grandmother decided we would have the family over for a BBQ in the evening, which based on my uncles work schedule ended up being in the early afternoon. It was nice for all of us to be together, and I'm actually pretty proud of myself for holding it together. Not to say that the day didn't have its amazing moments and there was plenty of laughter to go around. But, to me there was a missing piece to the picture perfect fun. Normally I would be heading out to the cemetery to light up a few little sparklers with my little man, but that is hard to do thousands of miles away. It was a very profound moment when I watched my baby cousin Ivan walking around and I knew there was another little boy that should be with me. My heart ached, it would be a lie to say that everything has been perfect or wonderful every moment of every day. This trip so far has brought a form of peace though. For once I am not spending every second crying or hurting for Gabriel. I am not alone with nothing but silence for my company. I laugh again, a true laugh of happiness without the edges of pretend joy. I almost don't want to go home...I feel safe. Not to say that I don't miss Gabriel, or Gary for that matter but Oregon has always been a place of peace and happiness for me. There are no sad memories here, my dreams did not die in this place...if anything, being here has me thinking more. I dig deeper inside myself, I pull out the broken pieces and carefully wash away the mess. I have also been working on Gabriel's scrapbook which has brought back a much desired amount of healing and memories from my pregnancy. I've been happy to remember so many precious and beautiful moments that have been buried under my grief. I am stuck though, the next part of my scrapbook is about having him only to say goodbye. It is hard not to be sad, and I don't want to remember the pain when I have just so recently rediscovered the joy he brought me. I ask that you pray for me, pray that I have the strength to face the darkness and rise above it once again. Gabriel will always be in my heart but I am tired of remembering the loss and not celebrating his innocence and the amazing nine months I had with him.