16 Months

A few hours ago I received a text from my husband, "I wished Gabriel a happy birthday for you and told him we'll both be out to visit him in a few days."
Birthday? What birthday?
I just sat there, staring at my phone, confused. I brought up my calendar and it was true, Gabriels' 16 month heavenly birthday is today. I anticipated the familiar stab in my heart, "be over quick" I prayed. Nothing. No tears tried to spill over my eye lashes, no memories flooded my mind...I was simply okay.
I've been wondering lately if the healing I feel has all been in my head, that maybe I was still just as broken and damaged as when I came here. I now think otherwise. I think this is a huge step, right? It's not that I don't think of my baby almost daily, but the crying episodes have yet to happen. Occasionally the tears escape but I think its only been about three times since I arrived, a considerably less amount than the month before I came to Oregon.
After coming to the diagnosis that my heart was still in tact, I had a split moment of relief. So, I thought, this is what it feels like when the storm has passed. But then I felt guilty, why should I feel okay? Is it really okay for me to feel okay about this? I swear you could have opened up my mind and heart to see two versions of me debating why it was and why it wasn't okay for me to feel this way. Both sides put up a great argument but I finally came to the conclusion that this is the proof I've been looking for. It's okay that I don't cry every monthly birthday, I think choosing the 29th (if anything) left me celebrating the anniversary of his death more than his precious life. I think a visit once a month is not to much but I have decided instead to choose a different day each month to visit and bring flowers. Gabriels' scrapbook has finally given me a place to record his precious life, and as cliché as it sounds, I can finally close this chapter and start a new one. I won't leave Gabriel behind, I'm sure I will still think of him and dream of him, and I'm under no expectation that it will all be sunshine from this point forward. I'm just done with hurting or feeling like I have to hurt every day just to show how much I love him. My only fear now is going home and no one else seeing the growth and love within me, I can't go back there, I don't want to go back to the darkness...I want to spend the rest of my time celebrating life! I will remember the beautiful moments I had with Gabriel, how can I forget such a perfect little boy? But it's time to step forward, the light is breaking through and I'm ready to face the world stronger and happier than I have ever been.