There's Always A "but..."

I wish I could say I haven't been posting for lack of heart breaking events in my life, but if I did, it would be a lie.
Oregon has so far been an amazing trip for me, one I needed for my soul and spirit. Back home I was stuck, surrounded on all sides by empty walls and a silent home. Every hour held painful memories, even if I tried to pretend I was "okay", on the inside I was falling apart. Escaping from home has given me a chance to center myself again. I've been moving forward even! I don't think of all the bad things that happened at the end of my pregnancy but instead I focus on celebrating Gabriels' precious life. Grief still checks in every once in a while, but it's only for a moment before I imagine Gabriels' beautiful smile in heaven. Somewhere in my heart, I know he doesn't want me to waste my life being sad or miserable all the time. Just like I would want only happiness in life, he only wants the same for me. I still believe the 29th of each month will be a little hard, but I am okay with that. Every day my goal is to now remember the happiness we shared, the joy in the feeling of his first kick, the pure love that brought tears to my eyes when I first heard his heartbeat. I can't let the pain or the grief rob me of my time with Gabriel. I will always miss and love my son and I know that there are still unforeseen struggles I will have to face along the way. I finally see some sunshine after the end of this storm.
But, in the last week I have found out some life changing news. I wish it was good news, I could use that right about now. I can't go into detail because I don't even know how to start processing this. I am in shock, denial even. If you would lift me and my family up in prayer right now, it would be a wonderful gift for me.