Three Days

The other night I dreamt that I was screaming out and crying for Gabriel...as it turns out, it wasn't a dream. According to Gary, I was in hysterics. He told me I was looking for baby Gabe and confused where I was...I vaguely remember a dull ache in my heart but that is about it. I haven't had a dream like this in almost a year....and I keep wondering why? Why now? Is it because of this new chapter in my life? Later, the day after this fitful mess, I ended up driving to the cemetery. As I was talking to my husband all I could do was beat the steering wheel and say how I didn't want to go to the cemetery...I was just being dragged there. I ended up belly down in the grass in front of Gabriels grave, bawling my eyes out and telling him how sorry I was. I'm not even sure what I was sorry for!!
In leas than three days I start school. I have been extremely happy and excited to be going back but now suddenly I am terrified to step foot in those halls. Doubt is scratching at the door. I don't know how to chase it away! I don't know what words will get me through this! Three out of four classes are spent in the same hall I was in while Gabriel was alive...but I'm not trying to find every little sign anymore. I don't want to be such a mess but these last few days have been longing for my home in Oregon. I can't let this grief steal my happiness, I don't want to give it another minute of my life! I know I have to, I know I will still cry somedays and the hole in my heart is forever open...but for once, can I have something for me? Can I please not have to fight these emotions so much and just be happy?

Tripped

I don't know what is wrong with me today! I've been great, I've laughed and had an amazing dinner with my sisters at my moms house....yet my skin just isn't so thick today. This afternoon I just wanted to cuddle up with my little boy and smother him with kisses...but I can't. Then I get home, check the mail and there is this STUPID pamphlet in the mail from a local funeral home! On the back is all these casket prices and plans for a funeral, like really?! I don't know why this is all affecting me so much tonight!
When I think about it though...there could be a lot of possible reasons why everything is slowly popping up. A big one is that I am truly moving forward now...I start college in less than a week. I have yet to go out to the cemetery but I'm scared if I go out for a visit then I will fall right back down. I'm scared...life is scary! Moving forward is scary! But I hope to get some sound sleep and wake tomorrow with a smile, ready to face the day and all it holds for me!

Home

I've been home now for a few days, getting ready for my first semester of college and such. I haven't been out to the cemetery and to be honest, I'm terrified to go out there. It has been a painful place for me for a while now...I'm worried if I go that I will fall back down a slippery slope. I'm still trying to stand on my own, without my grandma here to guide me it feels harder to stay afloat. I'm trying to keep busy and stay away from old habbits. I plan to start working out tomorrow...I know I've put my physical health at the bottom of my priority list. I can't do that anymore, not if I plan to have more children someday and live to an old age. I love Gabriel so very much, and it's hard to determine which actions are steps of healing and which are loose stones on a cliff. I'm sure I need a healthy amount of stepping forward and falling back a little in order to succeed, at least until I find my balance.