The other night I dreamt that I was screaming out and crying for Gabriel...as it turns out, it wasn't a dream. According to Gary, I was in hysterics. He told me I was looking for baby Gabe and confused where I was...I vaguely remember a dull ache in my heart but that is about it. I haven't had a dream like this in almost a year....and I keep wondering why? Why now? Is it because of this new chapter in my life? Later, the day after this fitful mess, I ended up driving to the cemetery. As I was talking to my husband all I could do was beat the steering wheel and say how I didn't want to go to the cemetery...I was just being dragged there. I ended up belly down in the grass in front of Gabriels grave, bawling my eyes out and telling him how sorry I was. I'm not even sure what I was sorry for!!
In leas than three days I start school. I have been extremely happy and excited to be going back but now suddenly I am terrified to step foot in those halls. Doubt is scratching at the door. I don't know how to chase it away! I don't know what words will get me through this! Three out of four classes are spent in the same hall I was in while Gabriel was alive...but I'm not trying to find every little sign anymore. I don't want to be such a mess but these last few days have been longing for my home in Oregon. I can't let this grief steal my happiness, I don't want to give it another minute of my life! I know I have to, I know I will still cry somedays and the hole in my heart is forever open...but for once, can I have something for me? Can I please not have to fight these emotions so much and just be happy?
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