Where I Need To Be

It's been a little bit since I have had the chance to make a post. School has kept me busy and before I know it, I will be starting volunteer work at the hospital! So, before I got home I had told myself (while I was still in Oregon) that I would no longer go out to the cemetery on the 29th of each month. It was easy to stick to this plan while I was half a country away...but sitting in class on August 29th turned out to be more difficult than I had originally anticipated! All I could think about was how badly I wanted to buy flowers and spend the day searching for the perfect "little boy toy". There were times I would slip into day dreams of Gabriel smiling down as I laid next to his tiny grave and told him how loved he was. But, despite the temptation, I didn't allow myself to go out there. It's not that I don't want to see him or visit where he physically lays. I don't want to forget him or leave him behind in my life. I have no problem going out once a month, it just can't be the 29th. Maybe that is me giving a day more thought than I should but for over a year I have celebrated monthly birthdays every 29th day. Every 29th I would do something, anything, just to remember my boy! (Like I could ever forget such a perfect baby?) But what once brought comfort was turning into pain, a sticky web that left me counting the months since he had left and causing me to become more and more torn up about his death. I recognize that I needed these monthly birthdays for a while, I recognize that they have played an important and beautiful part in my grief journey...but I also know that I am moving into the next phase of my grief. I still have my hard days, and the tears occasionally soak my pillow but I wake up in the morning thankful for what I do have. Gabriel is my son, my handsome baby in heaven...but I can't let grief eat away at me any more. I don't want to give the pain the satisfaction of stealing away my beautiful smile. I didn't know until recently just how much I missed laughing, genuinely laughing! I forgot what it was like to kiss and feel safe in the strong arms of my spouse. I forgot myself! I've been so caught up in hurting every second of every day in order to keep Gabriels memory alive and fresh...but all it did was keep the memory of his passing at the forefront of my mind.
Wherever you are in your grief, it's probably where you need to be, and I promise you will know when it is time to move into the next phase of your grief journey.