Cracked

Grief. It will always be a part of me, and there are plenty of times I wish my heart wasn't on my sleeve. Yesterday I realized Gabriel would be eighteen months old...and I can't say it out loud without a painful lump forming in my throat. I want to hold him so bad, and normally I would say "just one more time" but NO, I want it to be forever! I want messy little handprints on my walls, I want sloppy kisses...but I didn't get the chance to have him here. I don't understand how this is fair, and deep down I know I won't ever understand why he had to go but I wish things had worked out the way I wanted! I would be a great mom, but now I'm stuck with this gaping hole in my heart. I can't stay here in Missouri, I need to GO!!! People have told me that happiness is where you make it and that if I put the effort into it, I could be happy here. It seems accurate but going to Oregon this last summer only confirmed my belief that staying in this town will do nothing for me. I try so hard to carry over the genuine feelings of happiness and love and peace that I found in Oregon....and some days I feel like it is impossible. There is this amazing amount of guilt every time I don't go to the cemetery or I don't mention him when someone asks me if I have children. I carry around this baggage, and every time I try to rise above the pain I end up accumulating more reasons to feel guilty and angry and hurt. I am sick of this idea that somehow Gabriel dieing was a part of a greater and better plan, how can anything good come from the death of someone so innocent???? And I'm falling apart, I'm trying not to but pieces of me are just chipping away. I want to be happy, I deserve to be fucking happy and okay but somehow I ended up tossed in a storm and expected to be this strong person that can get through this....and maybe eighteen months counts for something, all the seconds and hours and minutes and days I have had to survive since he went away. But I don't really get a choice, do I? I don't get to say,"hey, I don't think I can handle this anymore, can I just have my son back?" No angel is going to knock on my door and place Gabriel in my arms! I'm in this for the REST of my LIFE!!! And somehow I have to find a balance between remembering him and not allowing his death to consume me. And I hate it! I hate being here without him because nothing I say or do can make it better. I just have to suck it up and push forward even though I have no idea what I'm pushing towards. I'll never get over him, there is no reward for having to bear such a painful burden.