Cracked

Grief. It will always be a part of me, and there are plenty of times I wish my heart wasn't on my sleeve. Yesterday I realized Gabriel would be eighteen months old...and I can't say it out loud without a painful lump forming in my throat. I want to hold him so bad, and normally I would say "just one more time" but NO, I want it to be forever! I want messy little handprints on my walls, I want sloppy kisses...but I didn't get the chance to have him here. I don't understand how this is fair, and deep down I know I won't ever understand why he had to go but I wish things had worked out the way I wanted! I would be a great mom, but now I'm stuck with this gaping hole in my heart. I can't stay here in Missouri, I need to GO!!! People have told me that happiness is where you make it and that if I put the effort into it, I could be happy here. It seems accurate but going to Oregon this last summer only confirmed my belief that staying in this town will do nothing for me. I try so hard to carry over the genuine feelings of happiness and love and peace that I found in Oregon....and some days I feel like it is impossible. There is this amazing amount of guilt every time I don't go to the cemetery or I don't mention him when someone asks me if I have children. I carry around this baggage, and every time I try to rise above the pain I end up accumulating more reasons to feel guilty and angry and hurt. I am sick of this idea that somehow Gabriel dieing was a part of a greater and better plan, how can anything good come from the death of someone so innocent???? And I'm falling apart, I'm trying not to but pieces of me are just chipping away. I want to be happy, I deserve to be fucking happy and okay but somehow I ended up tossed in a storm and expected to be this strong person that can get through this....and maybe eighteen months counts for something, all the seconds and hours and minutes and days I have had to survive since he went away. But I don't really get a choice, do I? I don't get to say,"hey, I don't think I can handle this anymore, can I just have my son back?" No angel is going to knock on my door and place Gabriel in my arms! I'm in this for the REST of my LIFE!!! And somehow I have to find a balance between remembering him and not allowing his death to consume me. And I hate it! I hate being here without him because nothing I say or do can make it better. I just have to suck it up and push forward even though I have no idea what I'm pushing towards. I'll never get over him, there is no reward for having to bear such a painful burden.

Just A Cry

You know what? I'm just going to put it out there....I MISS MY BABY!!! This may seem very obvious, why else would I have a blog dedicated to my grief journey? It is so much more than that though. When I first came home from Oregon I felt amazing, wonderful, passionate about life and all of it's opportunities....but the longer I seem to stay in this town it almost feels like I am trying too hard to be 'okay' and 'better'. I feel like one tiny slip up and someone will point out that I haven't truly healed or some ridiculous accusation about how I am supposed to grieve. Now that I'm writing it out I'm more angry at myself that I let unrealistic fears control my life. But really, I just want someone to tell me,"Hey! It's okay if you cry, scream, rage and anything else you want to do when you are having a tough day." Sometimes I miss those comforting hugs from people who get it, people who understand the pain. I miss Gabriel so much, I can't stop thinking about how grown he would be right now! It's KILLING ME! I keep telling myself to be strong and that everything is okay and I truly do believe that...I just want some time to cry again. Maybe even a day to cuddle in bed with his blankie and play with the day dreams. I know my future holds amazing and beautiful things...I'm just terrified of leaving him behind somehow.

Where I Need To Be

It's been a little bit since I have had the chance to make a post. School has kept me busy and before I know it, I will be starting volunteer work at the hospital! So, before I got home I had told myself (while I was still in Oregon) that I would no longer go out to the cemetery on the 29th of each month. It was easy to stick to this plan while I was half a country away...but sitting in class on August 29th turned out to be more difficult than I had originally anticipated! All I could think about was how badly I wanted to buy flowers and spend the day searching for the perfect "little boy toy". There were times I would slip into day dreams of Gabriel smiling down as I laid next to his tiny grave and told him how loved he was. But, despite the temptation, I didn't allow myself to go out there. It's not that I don't want to see him or visit where he physically lays. I don't want to forget him or leave him behind in my life. I have no problem going out once a month, it just can't be the 29th. Maybe that is me giving a day more thought than I should but for over a year I have celebrated monthly birthdays every 29th day. Every 29th I would do something, anything, just to remember my boy! (Like I could ever forget such a perfect baby?) But what once brought comfort was turning into pain, a sticky web that left me counting the months since he had left and causing me to become more and more torn up about his death. I recognize that I needed these monthly birthdays for a while, I recognize that they have played an important and beautiful part in my grief journey...but I also know that I am moving into the next phase of my grief. I still have my hard days, and the tears occasionally soak my pillow but I wake up in the morning thankful for what I do have. Gabriel is my son, my handsome baby in heaven...but I can't let grief eat away at me any more. I don't want to give the pain the satisfaction of stealing away my beautiful smile. I didn't know until recently just how much I missed laughing, genuinely laughing! I forgot what it was like to kiss and feel safe in the strong arms of my spouse. I forgot myself! I've been so caught up in hurting every second of every day in order to keep Gabriels memory alive and fresh...but all it did was keep the memory of his passing at the forefront of my mind.
Wherever you are in your grief, it's probably where you need to be, and I promise you will know when it is time to move into the next phase of your grief journey.