A morning of Ramblings

It's been a little bit since I have had the patience to write. It has been one year since we went to the doctors office and found out that Gabriel no longer had a heart beat. It was 11:10 am that day, and when the moment came today I had already started to have a panic attack. Despite my best efforts, I am reliving every moment. I feel pathetic and weak that I can't muster the strength to pull it together and be stronger than this! I told myself I was going to try and focus on Gabe's life, I wanted these days to be about the memories we do have, the ones I cherish and hold close to my heart. I don't want to let the horrible circumstances surrounding his death trump the beauty of his life.

Despite our best efforts, it would be a lie to say that my marriage has been the bliss it once was. Our passion has been buried somewhere along the way. We have been fighting quite a bit with the approach of his first birthday tomorrow. I know in my heart though, God will see us through and when we come out on the other side of this storm, we will be stronger. Pray for us if you can, pray that we get through this next few days and we can start to move forward in our marriage and life. Even if it is only at a snails pace, progress is progress.

Open

I don't like how people assume that when you have one good day that it suddenly means you are moving forward and you will never be sad again. Grief comes in waves, what might have been painless and joyful a few months ago might bring pain and sorrow today. I try so hard not to judge others on how they grieve our loss but it feels like everyone is judging me on how I am doing it! IT IS MY GRIEF JOURNEY! Kinda like, "it's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to" but instead "it's my grief and I'll cry, seclude, eat tubs of icecream, ect. if I want to".
This month is hard, I am coming up on my little babys precious birthday...a birthday where he isn't here to celebrate. Why wouldn't it be difficult? I became a mother the day I gave birth and yet for almost 12 months I have had no reward of first words, crawling, silly giggles or anything! Everyday I am somehow reminded of what I am missing, and it is my right to be sad and MISS HIM! This is the first year, I don't know what to expect...all I know is that it hurts. As much as I would love to "celebrate" his life in some magnificent and beautiful way...I am selfish and just want to nurse my broken heart. I'm not trying to ruin the entire month, I keep to myself, I grieve by myself...and it cuts so deep when the people closest to me try to tell me how they think I should be doing things. I will get back to who I was, please try to understand that. Give me the time I need to remember my baby, grieve the memories I'm missing, accept that life is not the way I thought it was supposed to be. Wounds heal differently for everybody! All I'm asking for is the courtesy of letting me let go. I've kept this pain bottled and tucked away for months. I'm not a huggy person when I cry, I don't like to be stared at when I'm at the cemetery talking to Gabriel, I don't want to always be asked "what's wrong?", I don't want you to tell me what you think about the way we celebrate Gabriel, I can get angry and short when I feel trapped around people who don't understand. It is okay to let me cry in front of you! If I am opening up and letting the tears flow, it's because I am comfortable enough to show my heart to you. You don't have to try and come up with some magic word to make me feel better or to dry the tears...just sit silently. Hold me even. Let me vent, even if it makes no sense what I am saying...it's what I need!

Dear Gabriel

Dearest Gabriel,
I lay awake tonight hoping for a sign that you are safe in heaven. I wish so much that you would come see me in my dreams...I want to see your bright eyes and sweet smile. As we approach your first birthday, I wonder how handsome you would be now. What words would you be speaking? What kind of theme would we have for your birthday? I miss feeling you growing inside me, and I especially miss the sound of your strong little heart beat. Lately it seems like people want me to "get over" losing you...to them, your death is old news but that doesn't make you any less of my son. As silly as this sounds, I feel like I am grieving all wrong. I don't know what I should do to honor you anymore. Any sign would be so welcomed! Daddy misses and loves you so very much too. We get to go to Disney later this year and we plan to bring a picture of you so we can get pictures of all three of us with our favorite characters! It won't be the same as it would be if you were there...but maybe including you will make it just a little more fun. I am sending so many hugs and kisses to you right now!
All my love,
Mommy

A dark place

Lately it's been dark, I feel so alone and the painful reality is eating away at me. Today, I turn a hopeful eye to the sky that I don't have to feel this right now. I hope for a day of good, just one day in this month where I don't cry. I'm not used to falling apart so often, on the inside...yes, but outwardly I was beginning to perfect my mask. It's hard not to break down in public even...I don't like that. I want to have composure! I want to enjoy the people and the experiences in my life right now before I lose all of it. I don't know whether to plan anything for Gabriels heavenly birthday or just lock the world out. At the beginning of my grief, I was okay with finding ways to include my precious one...but now? It hurts. I know I've probably said this a thousand times in these posts before, but it's the truth. Grief is a dark place sometimes.

March 1st

March 1st, here we are...I've dreaded your arrival like the plague and you succeeded in capturing me. How is it so easy for others to remember the beautiful memories with their little ones when all I seem to do is fall back into the depths of despair? I try to climb out, I try to break free of the vines that wrap themselves around me and just when I see hope, I see a ray of light and warmth...I slip and crash back down. I WANT TO REMEMBER HIS LIFE!! Am I grieving wrong??? I exercise now and get out of the house frequently and yet this pain, this cruel dance of grief has me captive again. I've been told to focus on the happy times, to not let the nightmare of his death trump the glory of his life...it sounds simple enough, but why can't I do it? I miss my Gabriel, and I don't want this month leading into his birthday to be so dark but I fear it will be. I haven't eaten today, and I feel numb to the core. I just want to hold my baby, I just want to be a mom who gets to plan a "normal" 1 year birthday party.