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I don't like how people assume that when you have one good day that it suddenly means you are moving forward and you will never be sad again. Grief comes in waves, what might have been painless and joyful a few months ago might bring pain and sorrow today. I try so hard not to judge others on how they grieve our loss but it feels like everyone is judging me on how I am doing it! IT IS MY GRIEF JOURNEY! Kinda like, "it's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to" but instead "it's my grief and I'll cry, seclude, eat tubs of icecream, ect. if I want to".
This month is hard, I am coming up on my little babys precious birthday...a birthday where he isn't here to celebrate. Why wouldn't it be difficult? I became a mother the day I gave birth and yet for almost 12 months I have had no reward of first words, crawling, silly giggles or anything! Everyday I am somehow reminded of what I am missing, and it is my right to be sad and MISS HIM! This is the first year, I don't know what to expect...all I know is that it hurts. As much as I would love to "celebrate" his life in some magnificent and beautiful way...I am selfish and just want to nurse my broken heart. I'm not trying to ruin the entire month, I keep to myself, I grieve by myself...and it cuts so deep when the people closest to me try to tell me how they think I should be doing things. I will get back to who I was, please try to understand that. Give me the time I need to remember my baby, grieve the memories I'm missing, accept that life is not the way I thought it was supposed to be. Wounds heal differently for everybody! All I'm asking for is the courtesy of letting me let go. I've kept this pain bottled and tucked away for months. I'm not a huggy person when I cry, I don't like to be stared at when I'm at the cemetery talking to Gabriel, I don't want to always be asked "what's wrong?", I don't want you to tell me what you think about the way we celebrate Gabriel, I can get angry and short when I feel trapped around people who don't understand. It is okay to let me cry in front of you! If I am opening up and letting the tears flow, it's because I am comfortable enough to show my heart to you. You don't have to try and come up with some magic word to make me feel better or to dry the tears...just sit silently. Hold me even. Let me vent, even if it makes no sense what I am saying...it's what I need!