March 1st, here we are...I've dreaded your arrival like the plague and you succeeded in capturing me. How is it so easy for others to remember the beautiful memories with their little ones when all I seem to do is fall back into the depths of despair? I try to climb out, I try to break free of the vines that wrap themselves around me and just when I see hope, I see a ray of light and warmth...I slip and crash back down. I WANT TO REMEMBER HIS LIFE!! Am I grieving wrong??? I exercise now and get out of the house frequently and yet this pain, this cruel dance of grief has me captive again. I've been told to focus on the happy times, to not let the nightmare of his death trump the glory of his life...it sounds simple enough, but why can't I do it? I miss my Gabriel, and I don't want this month leading into his birthday to be so dark but I fear it will be. I haven't eaten today, and I feel numb to the core. I just want to hold my baby, I just want to be a mom who gets to plan a "normal" 1 year birthday party.
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