Capture Your Grief Days Day 10 & 11

Somehow I've ended up a little behind so it is time to place catch up!

Day 10: Beliefs
October 10,2013

In all honesty, I was never really raised in any particular religious setting. It's been an indescribably difficult journey to find any feeling of faith. Most days I don't even know if I believe in anything. It isn't because I don't want to! I wish sooooo bad I had the faith I see in a lot of my friends but it just doesn't seem to work out for me. My biggest prayer, either to God or the universe or whoever is out there listening, is that I will truly be able to see Gabriel again someday and be aware of it. If there is a heaven, I don't know what it will be like. I've spent hours hoping I will see my family in heaven and we can be happy together.

Day 11: Emotional Triggers
October 11,2013

Sometimes I think it would be amazing if someone would hand me a cheat sheet warning me of potential emotional triggers. Maybe even a detailed map would be nice! There are times when it is extremely obvious why I am a hot mess, and there are other time when the wind seems to blow in the wrong direction and suddenly I am in tears!! Grief. It's crazy I'm telling you!

Capture Your Grief Day 8

Day 8: Colors
October 8,2013

This post is a day late but the colors I associate with baby Gabe are blue and green. Blue, of course, is a traditional color for baby boys. Over time it has become one of my favorite colors, especially since Gabriel's passing. The second color is green. This is a favorite of Gary's and Gabriel's Aunt Sami. We actually chose to do his nursery colors in a combination of both colors.

Capture Your Grief Day 9

Day 9: Music
October 9,2013

I have tons of songs that I have listened to while on this grief journey. Some have been amazing for encouragement, especially on days when the pain seems so strong. Others have been good when I needed to let the tears fall and relieve the bottled up feelings deep inside. Music has always been an extremely powerful influence in my life, often times explaining how I feel so I don't have too. Of course you can see a list of my favorites right here on my blog, you never know what might speak to you.

Capture Your Grief Day 7

Day 7: You Now
October 7,2013

Where are you in your grief right now?

For once I finally feel like  am in a good place, and what's even better is that I can think about those words and know it is true. I have my days of course, and sometimes they last a week or two, but even looking back, I am thankful to be moving out of early grief. Even a few months ago I was lying in bed almost every day, the pain and depression took a heavy toll on me. Some days though, I miss being that person only because it was easy. It was easier to be sad and hide away from the world then put myself out there. In the safety of my bed I knew I wouldn't hear about who was pregnant and there was no one asking me how many children I had. I didn't have to worry about holding it together, and I could feel what I needed to feel without judgment. But...I lost the ability to love passionately and openly. I grew so accustomed to safe that I developed social anxiety. I felt like if I wasn't in pain then I wasn't loving Gabriel enough, and it felt like no one could understand that. I would get asked why I was crying, even my family members would get frustrated when the tears seemed to fall for now reason. To me it was obvious, every tear since March 2012 has been for one person, my Gabriel.

What I didn't realize was how far I had fallen until my trip to Oregon this summer. The first time I laughed, and I mean genuinely laughed, it caught me off guard. I wasn't use to feeling so happy, and I waited for the guilt and pain that I knew would come. And when I was still laughing, and there was still no pain, I wanted to cry from relief. I had forgotten what it was like to be human.

How are you feeling?

I am feeling wonderful! I started going to school in August, and even though I haven't made any friends it is a welcomed change to be out of the house. I also got an email today that my background check cleared for volunteer work at one of our local hospitals. Starting next week I will be helping out in the maternity ward, which is exactly where I had requested to be!

How far have you come?

I feel I've come so far, but I also know that I will never be "done" grieving. I focus on taking it day by day, if I have a hard day then I try to wake up the next day with a smile and a positive attitude. I never imagined making it past the first year, and yet here I am!

Are you wrestling with anything?

At times I still wrestle with an amazing amount of guilt towards Gabriel's death. And there are even days that I feel crushed and guilty for being so happy. I also recently found out some news that has me feeling thankful and beyond happy but also borderline jealous. It's just one of those things that I know will end in nothing but joy and amazement.

Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

It depends on the day. Some are harder than others, but I think overall there is a change that I hope other people see too.

Capture Your Grief Day 6

Day 6: Ritual
October 6,2013

Until recently my ritual was spending one day a month (on the 29th) buying flowers and little toys to bring out to Gabriel. We called them his "monthly birthdays". It helped me for a long time, but recently it has brought me more pain than comfort. I don't really have any kind of rituals right now. I know this is my second year participating in the Capture Your Grief project, which in a way, I feel is a yearly ritual. I know that on October 15th I will be lighting a candle in baby Gabe's memory, and I will be going to both the M.E.N.D. balloon release and Christmas candle light ceremony again this year. I guess recently my greatest way to remember Gabriel is by living each day as happy as I can. I've spent so long being sad and hurting that even after a hard day I try to start the next day with a smile and a clean slate. So far, surprisingly, it is really working for me!

Capture Your Grief Day 5

Day 5: Memory
October 5, 2013

How convenient that todays subject turned out to be memories! I have actually spent most of the day thinking back on my pregnancy and reminiscing on the beautiful and painful moments. When I think of Gabriel, the first thing that always comes to mind is the sound of his strong heartbeat. During the times I had to stay over-night at the hospital, what really got me through without panicking was being hooked up and being able to hear him. Of course being in the hospital while you're pregnant can be terrifying, but it is an odd comfort to be able to fall asleep listening to your infants beating heart. The next memory that comes to mind though, is not nearly as peaceful. I remember everything that happened the morning we found out Gabriel was gone. What sticks out to me most though was the final ultrasound. We were there, looking up at this black screen and the only thing showing was our sons silhouette. There was no movement, no beating heart in his chest. I remember feeling sick and being angry that we were even looking at him like this. It felt like an invasion of privacy. It was a haunting moment that gave nothing but pain and questions that couldn't be answered. Sometimes I close my eyes and see every detail of his still body on that screen. Of course with the holidays just around the corner, I have been dreaming about those days. Just before Halloween Gary finally was able to come to an appointment where we could hear Gabriel's heartbeat. I don't think I've seen a bigger smile! It even looked like his eyes were going to pop out from all the excitement. The day before Thanksgiving we found out we were having a son and I was soooooo mad! lol. I thought for sure we were having a girl! But, the next day on Thanksgiving I was even angrier that I couldn't pig out on all the amazing food my mom had made. I was becoming full of baby! And Christmas...just the excitement and love in the air around me was beautiful in itself.

Tonight I've been thinking a lot. We are coming up on two years...this year we will miss what would be his second Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. How? Has it truly been so long since I held my perfect little boy? I don't even want to think about his second heavenly birthday and what I'm going to do to celebrate. Life is going by so fast, and it amazes me that somehow we are at this point. I used to think I would never survive past the first year, and here I am.

Capture Your Grief Day 4

Day 4: Legacy
October 4,2013

It took most of the day for me to try and figure out what Gabriel's legacy is, but I truly believe he taught me how to love unconditionally. He taught me how to dream, and brought a form of joy to my life that I had never experienced. Without him, I wouldn't be a mother, I wouldn't understand the value in the words 'I love you'. He taught me how to slow down and to appreciate the blessings I have in this lifetime. He is my greatest gift! While I was pregnant, it felt like he brought my family and I closer. We laughed more and fought less. I can't even begin to place a value on those 38 weeks, and I can't explain all that he taught me and showed me. Even though he is in heaven, his memory is what pushes me to be a better person. My son gave me life, he gave me a purpose. How can I not be grateful for that?

Capture Your Grief Day 3

Day 3: Myth
October 3, 2013

Almost immediately after our loss, someone mentioned that Gary and I should start going to therapy because "most marriages end in divorce if you lose your baby. "When we finally did start talking to a psychiatrist, even he promptly dismissed the claim saying,"It was something said such a long time ago and it's been passed down through the ages. There really isn't any data to support that."
Gary and I have had our issues, of course, but you can't expect perfection out of two broken hearted parents! Men and women grieve differently, and it isn't easy to find a balance when you have no experience handling such a tragedy. (Plus I don't believe there is really a way to prepare yourself to lose your baby.) What works for one person may not work for the other, and there are so many factors that play into how people handle grief! But, if you can find a way to make it work, I think you would be amazed and how strong you become. And I know, sometimes there is no way to make it work.

Capture Your Grief Day 2

Day 2: Identity
October 2,2013

What is your child's name?
Gabriel David Gimlin

Why did you chose that name?
 Before Gary and I were even seriously considering having a child, we both knew we absolutely loved the name Gabriel. It just seemed like a strong, handsome and, of course, a very biblical name. His middle name is passed down through the family. I thought it was so cute that Gabriel would share the same middle name and initials as his Daddy!

What is the meaning of their name?
I actually never looked up the meaning of Gabriel's name until after he had passed, but I believe we were guided to choose his name for a reason. The Hebrew meaning of the name Gabriel is "strong man of God" and the Hebrew meaning of his middle name, David, is "beloved". I couldn't believe how perfect his name is! Especially for a precious child of God!

What were their features?
There was no argument as we looked at our precious angel for the first time, he was my son! lol. He looked just like me, with my nose and chin. Of course he had his Daddy's eye shape and his broad shoulders. But the cutest thing was the fact that his little toes curled up a little just like mine do. Talk about adorable!

Who are they?
As you can tell, he is my son but Gabriel has the most perfect Daddy in the entire world! He also has four Aunts that loved and adored him beyond belief! Three Uncles, one of which could not wait to teach little Gabe all about sports. He has five cousins, three of them are little boys and one little girl! The other cousin is still unknown :-) He has three sets of grandparents, four great grandmas and three great grandpas. And one great, great grandma! To say the least, this little boy is so loved! Gabriel was also a Daddy's boy all the way. Everytime Gary came home from work, our little guy would be kicking up a storm the minute he heard Daddy's voice! He loved to dance to music too. Oh, and his all time favorite kind of bed time stories were Star Wars related, but that could also be because Daddy was always reading them to him. He was such an active little one, and perfect, perfect beyond measure.

 

*Questions from CarlyMarie Day 2 Prompt. 

Capture Your Grief Day 1

It is that time of year again, and I am so ready to participate in the CarlyMarie Capture Your Grief month! I still can't believe it has been a year since I had my first experience with such an amazing project. If you are never heard of Capture Your Grief or you are just looking for the list of this years photo subjects, please follow the link below.
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html
You can also become a art of the public event through Facebook.

Day 1: Sunrise
October 1,2013

I woke up bright and early after only a few hours of sleep with every anticipation of capturing the most beautiful and perfect sunrise I could. Groggy and exhausted I made my way to the front door only to be greeted by thick fog clinging to the sky. At first I was convinced it would clear up, I mean come on, how could this be any way to start the day? To my disappointment, it didn't clear up and hope quickly turned to frustration which then quickly escalated and had me on the verge of tears. I snapped a few pictures despite my anger and slammed my front door as I made my way back inside. Snuggled back under the covers I inhaled deeply, what in the world was I to do with an ugly gray sky? As I exhaled I decided to try and find some way that this fit into my own grief journey. After a few more inhales, exhales and exasperated sighs, it came to me. Even though there are times that grief (the fog) is hanging over me, I know behind that there is still happiness and joy (the sun) rising up within me. Just because I couldn't see the sun rising this morning, doesn't mean it didn't happen. And just like grief may put a shadow over the happiness I feel most of the time, it doesn't mean that one bad day is going to destroy the progress and healing I have accomplished.