Capture Your Grief Day 7

Day 7: You Now
October 7,2013

Where are you in your grief right now?

For once I finally feel like  am in a good place, and what's even better is that I can think about those words and know it is true. I have my days of course, and sometimes they last a week or two, but even looking back, I am thankful to be moving out of early grief. Even a few months ago I was lying in bed almost every day, the pain and depression took a heavy toll on me. Some days though, I miss being that person only because it was easy. It was easier to be sad and hide away from the world then put myself out there. In the safety of my bed I knew I wouldn't hear about who was pregnant and there was no one asking me how many children I had. I didn't have to worry about holding it together, and I could feel what I needed to feel without judgment. But...I lost the ability to love passionately and openly. I grew so accustomed to safe that I developed social anxiety. I felt like if I wasn't in pain then I wasn't loving Gabriel enough, and it felt like no one could understand that. I would get asked why I was crying, even my family members would get frustrated when the tears seemed to fall for now reason. To me it was obvious, every tear since March 2012 has been for one person, my Gabriel.

What I didn't realize was how far I had fallen until my trip to Oregon this summer. The first time I laughed, and I mean genuinely laughed, it caught me off guard. I wasn't use to feeling so happy, and I waited for the guilt and pain that I knew would come. And when I was still laughing, and there was still no pain, I wanted to cry from relief. I had forgotten what it was like to be human.

How are you feeling?

I am feeling wonderful! I started going to school in August, and even though I haven't made any friends it is a welcomed change to be out of the house. I also got an email today that my background check cleared for volunteer work at one of our local hospitals. Starting next week I will be helping out in the maternity ward, which is exactly where I had requested to be!

How far have you come?

I feel I've come so far, but I also know that I will never be "done" grieving. I focus on taking it day by day, if I have a hard day then I try to wake up the next day with a smile and a positive attitude. I never imagined making it past the first year, and yet here I am!

Are you wrestling with anything?

At times I still wrestle with an amazing amount of guilt towards Gabriel's death. And there are even days that I feel crushed and guilty for being so happy. I also recently found out some news that has me feeling thankful and beyond happy but also borderline jealous. It's just one of those things that I know will end in nothing but joy and amazement.

Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

It depends on the day. Some are harder than others, but I think overall there is a change that I hope other people see too.