Capture Your Grief Day 5

Day 5: Memory
October 5, 2013

How convenient that todays subject turned out to be memories! I have actually spent most of the day thinking back on my pregnancy and reminiscing on the beautiful and painful moments. When I think of Gabriel, the first thing that always comes to mind is the sound of his strong heartbeat. During the times I had to stay over-night at the hospital, what really got me through without panicking was being hooked up and being able to hear him. Of course being in the hospital while you're pregnant can be terrifying, but it is an odd comfort to be able to fall asleep listening to your infants beating heart. The next memory that comes to mind though, is not nearly as peaceful. I remember everything that happened the morning we found out Gabriel was gone. What sticks out to me most though was the final ultrasound. We were there, looking up at this black screen and the only thing showing was our sons silhouette. There was no movement, no beating heart in his chest. I remember feeling sick and being angry that we were even looking at him like this. It felt like an invasion of privacy. It was a haunting moment that gave nothing but pain and questions that couldn't be answered. Sometimes I close my eyes and see every detail of his still body on that screen. Of course with the holidays just around the corner, I have been dreaming about those days. Just before Halloween Gary finally was able to come to an appointment where we could hear Gabriel's heartbeat. I don't think I've seen a bigger smile! It even looked like his eyes were going to pop out from all the excitement. The day before Thanksgiving we found out we were having a son and I was soooooo mad! lol. I thought for sure we were having a girl! But, the next day on Thanksgiving I was even angrier that I couldn't pig out on all the amazing food my mom had made. I was becoming full of baby! And Christmas...just the excitement and love in the air around me was beautiful in itself.

Tonight I've been thinking a lot. We are coming up on two years...this year we will miss what would be his second Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. How? Has it truly been so long since I held my perfect little boy? I don't even want to think about his second heavenly birthday and what I'm going to do to celebrate. Life is going by so fast, and it amazes me that somehow we are at this point. I used to think I would never survive past the first year, and here I am.