You Are Missing

You are missing from me, my soul and my arms.

Your spot at the table stays empty.

Your handprints are missing from my walls and your kisses from my cheeks.

Your laughter was silenced before it could ring in my ears.

Your heartbeat still.

How have I survived missing you this long? How is it that you have been stolen from me and yet the earth continues to turn?

How is it fair? Why me?

Or the bigger question...why you?

I can't remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms. Pictures are all that remain to piece together the day of your birth.

You have no Christmas presents...what can I buy you? What could possibly make me feel the slightest bit less guilty about your death?

The tree will be decorated with your ornaments but what about beneath the tree? What more can I buy to honor you? What is left on this earth to ease the pain of my aching heart?

How can I hang stockings knowing that yours will remain empty?

I don't know what to do this year. I love you so much. I miss you with an aching so deep I have to push it away. If I were to let myself feel the enormous storm inside my broken soul, I wouldn't be able to stop crying. Nobody understands.

I am barely hanging on to the pieces I've spent months putting back together. Would it be fair to let go and just mourn while a beautiful life grows inside me? Would it be fair to cry for my loss when I have been blessed with life?

To the outside world I am moving forward. Our family is expanding. Those that don't know ask if she is my first...I pretend to not hear the question.

You, my son, are missing. Your sister is a blessing that has also made your absence shockingly painful and noticeable. My baby boy....my heart cries for your presence.

18 Days

Christmas is 18 days away. The past couple years I feel like I have survived without completely losing my mind. This year though, has unexpected challenges. This is my nephew's first Christmas, which means buying baby toys and watching one of the biggest firsts I couldn't wait for Gabriel to experience. In my heart I know that I will enjoy Christmas morning with my family. I know that we will laugh and make memories we will cherish for years to come. But it is hard to convince my mind of all the things my heart already knows to be true. I think what is making my fears seem so big is, of course, the extra dose of hormones running through my body!

I am beyond grateful to be pregnant again, especially with my little girl's movements growing stronger and more frequent. But, there is a small fear of her presence overshadowing my efforts to remember Gabriel during the holidays. In all honesty, I don't even know what to do for him this year. A part of me wants to curl up under a blanket and cry until I can't cry anymore. The idea of a little one running around my house next Christmas terrifies me. Now, do not get me wrong! Having a little one of my own to hold and spoil next year is a very welcomed change, but it is also a little scary. Like my previous post explains, I have an irrational fear of not being able to love both my children equally. As well as a fear of "forgetting" my son. (I know, IMPOSSIBLE!!)

New years is also extremely difficult. The idea that I have survived another year without Gabriel continues to boggle my mind. Not to mention we will officially be in 2015, the year our daughter will be born! For now I continue to pray for all the mom's and dad's out there who have someone missing from their arms this year.

Post ThanksGiving Ramblings

Well, I survived another Thanksgiving. This year was easier than last but there were a few times I found myself aching for Gabriel in my arms. With Christmas right around the corner I see tons of pictures of my friends with their children. It isn't painful, and in all honesty I enjoy seeing the memories being made. What is difficult is the day dreams that end up following. I tend to dwell on how life "would be". Of course my son would love singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs with Mommy! He would be excited to help make cookies for Santa, especially since we bought Star Wars cookie cutters this year. And don't even get me started on how happy he would be to decorate the Christmas tree.

 I see Gabriel so clearly in my mind that it feels like he could be sitting in the other room waiting for me to come play. Occasionally I have to fight the urge to go check. It makes me feel crazy that we are almost three years out from losing him and I still have moments like this. In my heart I know he is in heaven, I know his memory lives in my heart and yet the wish for him to be close never fades. A part of me doesn't want it too either.

We found out a few weeks ago that our tiny rainbow baby is a little girl! This week has been both a blessing and full of fear I didn't anticipate. At 18 weeks my daughter has me feeling her sparatic movements. With this new milestone comes great relief but also an underlying fear of them stopping for no reason. This pregnancy I have been determined to keep the fear at a distance, and for the most part I feel I've done really well. But now, there are times I find my mind jumping straight to the fear of losing her. I wish more than anything that I never knew this pain. Just thinking about Gabriel not being here to be a big brother in the traditional way breaks my heart.

I worry about how I'm going to teach her about him. I worry he will be forgotten and my visits to the cemetery will become even less frequent than they are now. For some bizarre reason I always thought a "rainbow baby" would come along and make everything okay. Not that I could ever forget Gabriel, nor would I want to, but a certain balance would be brought back in to my life. Instead this pregnancy has opened up fears I never thought of. It's made me question my ability to be a good mother. I have loved Gabriel with every ounce of my heart...how can I possibly make room to love another child? (I know, what an irrational fear) I guess for now I will continue to take it one day at a time.

I Will Remember

It's been a long time since I could look at the blank computer screen and find the words I wanted to say. Even now my mind is on the verge of a complete break down.

So, I will simply start by saying I love you.

It is the beginning of that time of year once again. The time where the day dreams of your tiny toddler hands consume my quiet hours. The times I wish you were here and the empty chair at the table seems to be patiently awaiting your arrival. I will participate in the Capture Your Grief photo challenge for the third time since you've been gone. I will remember you at the M.E.N.D. balloon release and on Infant Loss Awareness Day, lighting candles in your memory. I will watch the neighborhood kids run around the streets on Halloween and wonder what you would have been this year. 

Come Thanksgiving I will fondly remember the beautiful 38 weeks we shared as a family of three. I will light a candle at the M.E.N.D. Candlelight Ceremony and sing silent night to you. I will celebrate Hanukkah, carefully pulling your menorah from the shelf and lighting it in place of you. I will watch your cousin tear in to his Christmas presents for the first time and imagine the mess two little boys could make with so much wrapping paper. The New Year will come and go, and as usual it will be bitter sweet to witness the end of another year you've never seen.

In March we will celebrate your cousins very first birthday! (I'm sure you'll be blowing kisses from heaven) And a few days later we will gather in memory of you. We will smile and cry, release balloons and have some messy cake. And to close off the evening oh so perfectly, we will send floating lanterns to heaven just for you!

You will be my big three year old!

And if all goes well, I pray so hard it does, we will be welcoming your baby brother or sister into the world only a few weeks after your birthday.

Memorial Day

I never planned for this. If you had asked me four years ago where I thought I would be in my life come 2014, I would have never imagined this. Back then I was a newlywed, dreaming of white picket fences and at least two children in my home with a third on the way. I thought my memorial days would be spent surrounded by family, friends, and delicious barbeque.

I didn't know what my future held, we never do....but like I said, I never would have imagined this. Instead of a two year old shrieking with laughter, my tears fall as I sit next to a grave. Instead of a tiny flower "picked for mommy", I get to pick flowers for him. I could ask how this is fair, but there would be no answer.

This memorial day I am choosing to focus on the thirty-eight beautiful weeks that I was blessed to share with my precious Gabriel. I am dreaming of the first time I heard the most beautiful sound in the world, a strong heartbeat. I am focusing on the happiness he brought my husband and I. In under a year my son taught me how to love freely and open my heart to joy! I always believed that I would teach my child about life, but in the amazing weeks we shared, he taught me.

This year is also special because my Uncle gave us an amazing gift for Gabriel's second heavenly birthday.

His headstone was placed just after Mother's Day. Even though it is something I didn't want at first, it is beautiful in so many ways.

The Confusing Emotions of a Broken Heart

My heart feels heavy.

An uncomfortable weight crushes my chest and it becomes harder to breathe every day. Grief has seeped into my bones and managed to stained my soul in ways I don't comprehend.

I have a small bookshelf in my living room that holds my most precious items from Gabriel's short life. I pass it every day, multiple times a day and ever so often I find my self gazing at those items with anger on my heart. It seems unfair that some how I have continued to be blessed. How is it that I can feel love and happiness? Some days it seems cruel to be alive, breathing and laughing while my son is dead.

Reality is cruel to the grieving.

Guilt taunts me, its cruel fingers digging into my mind and forcing from me self loathing and disgust. I thought I was passed this point in my grief journey...I was seeing the light but somehow I've fallen slid back down.

 It's hard to keep his memory alive. I know I am a horrible mother for saying this...but....sometimes I don't want to. I try to separate the pain and nightmare of losing him from the beautiful 38 weeks I had him with me. I try to talk about him and show off my tattoo that was done in memory of him. I wish I could forget the heart-breaking, tear inducing moments that have scarred my heart.

But the work of a grieving parent is never that easy, is it? When I first lost Gabriel I was determined to be the "best grieving mother" I could be. What was my idea of the new job description? I thought I would spend at least one hour a day at the cemetery every day just reading and talking to my baby boy. I was determined to buy fresh, beautiful flowers for him every week. I would celebrate every important holiday with him and even the unimportant ones just to be able to say, "My baby and I celebrated_______by doing_____". There would also be a new toy or trinket next to his grave every other week.

We are now just over the two year mark and I am lucky to make it out once a month. I wish I could be okay with that...but I can't. It hurt when no one brought a single flower on Gabriel's birthday this year...and don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the other ways we were able to celebrate but still...it hurt.

I don't know why I'm so sensitive....there has been so much going on in my family life and it doesn't help that I am quickly approaching my third mothers day with empty arms. It's the only kind of mothers day I've known....I think this year it might be better if I lock myself away and cast the world aside. Who knows, maybe I will just turn off my phone and cry until my pillow is soaked and my heart is empty.

2 Years in Heaven

This year turned out to be even more beautiful than I could possibly imagined. I wasn't stressed, I wasn't worried about absolute perfection and the little hiccups during the day didn't make me insane. We planned a balloon release and a sky lantern release, both of them beautiful in their own way.

I started the morning with a delivery of a beautiful, white rose from my M.E.N.D. family. I am so thankful Gary and I chose to have white roses be Gabriel's flower because the single rose delivered to our home means so much more. In the early afternoon we headed out to get our balloons blown up for the release at the cemetery. The goal was to release the balloons at exactly 2:20p.m. (which is the exact time our precious boy was born at). Needless to say we were the last to arrive after getting caught up in the line at Party City. We had also ran around to a couple of our family members works to collect their notecards for the balloon release.

When we finally made it to the cemetery it took a while to get the rest of the notecards written since the wind was practically knocking us all over. It also didn't help that we had at least two balloons escape since Party City did not tie the strings good enough and we had three more end up in the car until w could retie them with yarn. It was an amazing blessing to be able to share Gabriel's birthday with my Uncle, who was in town because of the birth of my nephew, and some of my closest friends that I've met at M.E.N.D. We were finally able to release our heavenly messages at 2:37p.m.

As usual my eyes began to fill with tears and for a moment I was back in the hospital room meeting my firstborn son for the first and last time. I watched the balloons until I couldn't see them anymore and then quickly sat in front of Gabriel's grave. I whispered sweet nothings in the breeze and made sure to tell him over and over again that I loved him. Nothing could keep the tears from slipping down my cheeks. Eventually I stood and was greeted by the strong arms of my best friend Brittanie. She hugged me as I cried harder than I've cried in months.

After a few moments of silence, I finally wiped my eyes and told everyone where we were meeting for cake. My friend Cherish and her husband had to leave before we left for the park, but I was more than thankful that they were able to celebrate Gabriel's birthday with us.

Trying to light candles for a birthday cake on a windy day never works....but, I had to try anyway! Sams Club did an AMAZING job when it came to decorating our heavenly birthday cake. After we finished visiting in the cold and our sweet tooth was more than satisfied, we all parted ways with a friendly reminder about the sky lantern release that was going to happen that evening.

Gary and I went out for a sit-down lunch, my Uncle and Dad had come to him so he could discuss an amazing and beautiful gift with me. (I will be revealing more about that in the weeks to come) We spent the rest of the time at my sisters house visiting with her, my nephew and the family. At dusk it was time to head to the another park for our sky lantern release. My family members who couldn't join us for the balloon release were now off work and more than ready to celebrate Gabriel's memory with us.

There was a few bumps when it came to getting started, but when my family and friends released their lanterns my breath was literally caught in my chest. It was beautiful! Children that were soaking up the last few hour of play time were pointing at the lanterns and telling their parents to "look! look!".

Gary and I lit ours separately from everyone else. Watching the beautiful light against the darkness was stunning. I cried for the second time as I imagined how different life could be if Gabriel had lived. I could picture him in heaven though, watching all the pretty lights lighting up the sky just for him.

Happy, Happy, Happy Heavenly Birthday my precious Gabriel! You are dearly missed but loved by so many.

A Sisters Love

I feel terrible that I have not been able to give my blog the attention and tlc it deserves. "March Madness" quickly turned in to "March Chaos" here. Where to begin, where to begin....

On March 25th my family welcomed our newest member into the world! My nephew, Brennon, was born a healthy 5lbs 11oz and has been a blessing in all of our lives. I was lucky enough to be in the room as he came in to the world and I can't even begin to describe hearing his first cries of life.

I will admit, it was a very surreal and intimate experience not only with my family but within myself. When I got the news nothing could wipe the huge, probably really silly looking grin off my face. I practically ran to the hospital (after being forced to wait, rather impatiently, for my husband to get off a call) and wanted to kiss and hug my younger sister. After checking on her we decided to run out for a bit to grab some food.

But, let me back track for a minute here. As most of you know, Gabriel's birthday is March 29th. The night before my sisters water broke Gary and I were having a huge discussion about what we would do to honor our little one this year. An idea we decided to keep from the year before was to make a Build-A-Bear in memory of our son and then donate the bear from the year before. Well, since we loved our bear from last year to much to let it go we thought of an even better idea, why not make Brennon a bear from his heavenly cousin? So  this is what we did after we left the hospital.

My sister loved it! The bear remained wrapped in her arms for the next few hours as we all buckled down for the waiting game. Fast forward to numerous drink breaks, lots of goofing off, tons of giggles and three (yes I said THREE!!) pushes later a precious baby boy blessed the world with his presence.

I did break once. As my sister waited for the doctor and was surrounded by supportive family, I knew I had to take a moment to acknowledge the grief banging on my front door. I slipped into the empty hallway and collapsed on an uncomfortable bench. I pulled the hood from my hoodie over my tired eyes and let the tears fall. For a moment I let the pain slip over me. I let grief take my heart in its cold hands and I sobbed so hard my tears fell past my checks and hit the floor.

I was terrified. I had sent my husband home hours ago to sleep and he didn't feel awake enough to drive. I felt alone, and I didn't think I  would want it any different. It was my sisters moment and I hated the monstrous waves of grief that were trying to destroy the pure happiness I felt in my soul. I heard the door click and before I could wipe the tears I was looking into the soft eyes of my baby sister. She smiled as her eyes began to fill with tears...

She saved me in that moment. She stopped my grief in its tracks and after a shared moment of sadness we were able to chuckle  just a little. I had the strength to open that door and we both could join our sister in the birth of her son. I have never been more grateful for the love I share with my sisters.   

It's Been A While

Yesterday I woke up refreshed and feeling a calling in my heart. Before I knew what I was doing, I was dressed in my latest favorite outfit and driving down the highway singing at the top of my lungs. I found my exit, made a few turns and eased into a parking spot. With a deep breath and a quick prayer, I composed myself and walked to the familiar glass doors.

 

I finally made the decision to go to church. It has been a long time since I have been able to walk through those doors. The handful of times I've been back since Gabriel's passing have not brought the greatest feelings for me. I've struggled a lot with anger and feeling betrayed by God. I couldn't understand how God could love me so much and yet allow my baby to die.

 

I still struggle some days with the fact that I didn't get the life I spent months planning, but I feel like I am at a turning point in my life. I know in my heart that God loves me. Looking back I know that He has carried  me this far and it is getting easier to see the blessings He has given me. I see Him working in my life daily. He is making me a stronger person, and He is helping to heal my heart.

 

Being back in church yesterday felt good. There was no one I recognized which gave me the time I needed to focus on my prayers and truly opening my heart to scripture. I can't guarantee that I will feel this way all the time, but I know He will continue to guide me in his plan. I feel the urge to explore other paths of faith as well. In the end I know that God will guide me to where He thinks I need to be. All I can do is listen and open to change.

 

 

*Picture was taken earlier this year. It is from the prayer garden at the hospital where I delivered Gabriel. I remember spending the day after we had Gabe in front if this statue and crying my eyes out because I was so lost. If I only knew then what I know now.

So so busy!

It feels like it has been a long time since I could take a breath and write. Work has me busy and on my toes, a feeling that I am honestly enjoying but still trying to get used to. I can't seem to give myself the time to grieve...I use to have the time to cry but somehow I keep pushing those dark and painful feelings deeper and deeper. I know this is bad, I know I need to give my grief the time it deserves otherwise I will break apart soon. Gabriel's angelversary is in 27 days...and guess who has to work? Me. Guess who can't plan a beautiful celebration in his memory? Me. Life has been going so well since I started working....I just wish I didn't have to work on such an important day. I've been happier, I've been laughing more but above all I am able to spend most of the day socializing with people again! This has done only good things for me, or at least that's how I feel. I can finally start putting away money for our little guys headstone!! To be honest though, it breaks my heart it is taking us this long.

Signs from Heaven

I wanted to share with you a sign I received from heaven the other day.
It would be a lie to say that my heart doesn't ache at some point each day. Since the turning of the new year, I have followed a similar pattern to my first new year without Gabriel. I hurt, I am sad and some days I wish I was a bear so I could hibernate all winter with no questions ask. The difference between now and this time last year, is that I am filling my blessings jar with happy moments as often as they occur. This has helped take the edge off my pain, but it has not made me forget the second birthday that is fast approaching.
I have ached, I've cried, and even now there is a hint of sadness in my eyes. But, as I walked my puppy, Kida, at the park the other day, I was lost in day dreams. The snow was falling lightly, an image of a giggling two year old seemed so real I could almost touch my Gabriel. As I looked down at the base of a huge walnut tree, I caught glimpse of a walnut cracked in half. As I bent to craddle the small treasure, my eyes found a small heart inside the walnut shell. Tears fell as I clutched it to my chest and whispered a thank you to the sky. I was so blessed to see such an amazing sign that my angel knew I loved him.

63 Days

There is a number, huge and looming, yet somehow I seem to tower over it. It scares me but brings an unexpected feeling of relief and awe. Sixty-three days is all that stands between now and Gabriel's second birthday. I think about what this means....this will be the end of my second year without him. It also means I've missed many milestones I so anxiously anticipated during my pregnancy. I've never watched him smile, or laugh. I didn't see his first step or hear his first word. In all honesty, it is easy to drown in thoughts about all the moments we never got to share....and if I really let my mind free, it won't take long before I am crying and heart broken over the milestones he will never reach.

I never knew I would survive an hour after the death of my child. I didn't think it was possible to breathe past six months. My heart ached openly and heavily on his first birthday...all I could think was how unfair it was to live with such a burden a moment longer. But, here I am. I don't want to say I am happy, but I can't help but feel a sense of peace that I am doing more than surviving. I AM LIVING! I AM LOVING! I AM LAUGHING!

Sure, grief has it's days where it kicks me down and tries to tear me apart. I can honestly say though, I am having more "good" days than bad. I am laughing from happiness more often than not. I am appreciating every blessing in my life and not worrying about tomorrow. But I have also learned when I need to take it slow, and I've recognized emotional triggers so I know when I need time to grieve by myself. Grief and I aren't the greatest friends, but we are learning how to make our companionship work.

Instead of thinking about all I am missing, I try to focus on what has been here all along. I've gained and lost friendships. I've fought the hardest to keep my relationship going despite the tempting urge to give up all together. I've lost family, but strengthened bonds with those who truly matter. I've been blessed with people who fight to keep Gabriel's memory alive! So much good has happened in my life and I know I haven't always recognized my accomplishments during the pain. I hope to plan a beautiful heavenly birthday for Gabriel this year. It is my goal to welcome my third year into this journey with an open mind and a little more peace in my heart.