9 Month Angelversary

Saturday was Gabriels nine month birthday. I was already so happy because my good friend Tabitha was in town to come out with us. After waiting around for her husband to get back from the bank and grabbing some lunch, we headed out to the cemetery. We pulled up and sitting there was my dads car, my moms car and a good family friends, Joye. My mouth dropped open in disbelief and shock, was this really happening? Gary turned to me and asked me if I had told anyone else about today, the only person I could think of was my mom. Turns out Tabitha had arranged for everyone that could to come out and show me just how much support I had! My mom and Clyde brought balloons, my sister Jaclyn made cupcakes and my other sister Samantha brought cookies, both of them brought a flower. My dad, stepmother and brother bought out a pretty ornament basket. Joye brought me a beautiful ceramic angel pot for me to put a small plant in and her children Audree and Wyatt brought me a blue teddy bear. I grabbed Tabitha in a huge hug and told her how amazing of a friend she is. I thanked her husband Sab too. Despite the small amount of snow on the ground I laid down over Gabriel and told him how much he was loved. I even cried because of the amount of love in the air! It was such a blessing and to realize just how many people still care and love my Gabriel is probably the best gift I have received in my life. It was magical!

Christmas

Christmas was full of love, family, friends and amazing food...but even amongst the happiness, my heart was heavy and full.
In the morning Gary and I opened our presents at home, I bought him a few Star Wars things he wanted and he gave me things that I had seen while we were out that he remembered me saying I liked. Telling him anything I wanted was extremely difficult this year! When faced with the task of making a small list of things I would like, I broke down in tears. Everything I could think of had to do with something to memorialize Gabriel or the standard necessities like body wash and shampoo. I thought I had been doing okay, but in that moment I truly realized just how much of myself has been lost. I thought I was figuring out who I was, what I wanted, the type of person I am...but instead I realized it has been months since I have bought anything for myself that wasn't for Gabriel or a necessity! When I thought back I had spent my allowance on small gifts for angel mommys that are my friends. It truly scared me! So much of myself has been stripped away, I don't know who I even am! Gary still managed though, buying me a coat, a small pill organizer, (both necessities I wanted) and a beautiful angel figurine I fell in love with because it reminded me of my grief journey so far.
I spent the morning with my mom, her boyfriend and my sisters. We had a yummy breakfast, opened gifts, had some family friends over and ate an absolutely amazing ham dinner! During that time my good friend Tabitha called and asked if Gary and I would be able to spend some Christmas time with her. We agreed of course. Tabitha and I were very close during our pregnancies with our boys, when she moved away to Ohio I was crushed but we have still managed to remain close friends. On the way over to see her my stomach was full of butterflies, this was going to be my first time meeting her son. I thought about canceling, about staying for five minutes only...every excuse was running through my mind all because I was terrified to see what I was missing in my life. I'm thankful I didn't cancel.
Her son is adorable, full of smiles and laughs. Again, I can't get enough of him! I get to visit with my amazing friend who is more like a sister and her kind husband. Plus they are staying with her brother who is also a mutual friend of ours, it has been great seeing all of them! We even spent yesterday together. Gabriel is heavy on my Lind, but having an adorable little boy that I can hold close in my arms is once again proving to be a comfort to my heart.

Christmas Eve

This holiday season Gary and I decided that in memory of Gabriel we would pick out two children to buy gifts for off the tree at Walmart. We chose a four month old baby boy and a nine month old baby boy (since this month will be Gabriels nine month angelversary). I was so happy we could do this for babies to help make their Christmas even a tiny bit better!

Yesterday was a pretty rough day though, I sat at home and ate snack after snack trying to fill a void in myself. It was the first time in months that I considered suicide again, I didn't dwell on it but the thought popped up quite a bit. In the evening I cried in Garys arms, I screamed into my pillow...the overwhelming sense of emptyness eased with my cries. I didn't get a chance to have a repeat of yesterday thankfully. Gary decided he would text my mom and have her come get me shortly after he went to work. I finished wrapping presents and sat around the house with my mom, her boyfriend and one of my sisters.

In the afternoon I got a call from my dad, he asked if he could come pick me up to see Gabriels tree at the cemetery. My little brother had an amazing idea while he was helping cut a Christmas tree up at my grandparents, he wanted to get one for baby Gabe! My dad, stepmom, and brother took it out to the cemetery where they added garland, tiny ornaments and a bow on the top. My heart just melted as I saw the tree and quickly grabbed Max for a big bear squeeze.
"Your my favorite brother!"
"Im your ONLY brother!"

Tomorrow will be bitter sweet but as always I am vowing to take it one breath at a time.

A Gimlin Christmas

Sunday was our Gimlin family get together, it was also the day that Gabriel has been gone for 38 weeks which means he has been gone as long as he was alive. My nephew, Rylin, had his baptism too. I didn't attend that though. We spent the day at Garys parents apartment, his grandparents are in town and so is his older brother with his family. Everyone was there, and for the most part it was an amazing time filled with quality bonding and love. Only one time did the reality set in about Gabriel, it took a lot of strength to not cry and ruin my make up. Instead I focused on Rylin, I held him and kissed his head, I breathed in his baby scent and though I knew what I was missing having him in my arms was a comfort. I spent time with my adorable nephew Daniel and niece Cadence too. I'm sad they have left back home this week, I just can't seem to get enough of them.
With the morning of Christmas getting closer I am finding it harder to focus. For days I sit at home in the shirt I wore to the hospital that day so many months ago. I wonder how different life would be if Gabriel was here, all dreams that slipped away. I don't know if I want to do anything for Christmas, it is beyond tempting to cover my head under a pillow and hide from the world in all its happiness. How do you plan on facing this holiday season?

M.E.N.D. Christmas Candlelight Ceremony

Last night was the third annual M.E.N.D. Christmas Candlelight Ceremony. It was my first experience with anything like this. The church was decorated beautifully, as we walked through the door we were given a candle, a program, and a beautiful handmade ornament. Gary and I quickly found a seat and before long the ceremony started. Our Chapter leader, Heather, opened the ceremony with a few quick words and the pastor of the church said a prayer. Next was the lighting of the M.E.N.D. candles, four of our committee members stood and one lit a candle for babies lost to miscarriage, the next was lit for babies lost to stillbirth, the next for babies lost shortly after birth and the last was left unlit for the families of lost babies that will join us in 2013. My heart ached at the thought that as years go by more families will join us, I wished in that moment that the women, and men, that will join us didn't have to. I wished they wouldn't know this pain, that somehow 2013 would bring not a single loss and every child conceived would come home with their parents. I thought back to last year around this time, I was still so happy and my pregnancy was showing. Gabriel was kicking and growing beautifully...last year that candle was left unlit for me, and I had no idea. The next part of the ceremony was Heathers husband giving an inspirational speech about finding hope during the Christmas season, followed by a beautiful song called "The Anchor Holds" performed by a man with such an amazing voice. Now it was time. I watched as each family took a turn at the front of the church. They would light their candle from the big one that was lit at the beginning of the ceremony and say into a microphone who that candle was lit in memory of. I watched tears fall, I heard voices full of pain, I saw people who composed themselves long enough to sit down and pull out the tissues. When our turn came I let Gary introduce our son. I was okay, I was doing good until I sat down in my seat and stared at my lit candle. It hit me, the tears fell as I realized this candle was lit in memory of my son. The same son I had planned on having a lifetime of memories with, not just a handful. With tears still falling we stood to sing silent night as a congregation. I cried even harder when around me the words "sleep in heavenly peace" were sang, I wasn't expecting that sort of reaction to a song about birth. The ending was a prayer and we all made our way over to a gathering hall for drinks and cake. I got to catch up with a beautiful and wonderful woman that lost her precious daughter three years ago. Later in the evening as I laid wrapped up in Garys arms I cried again. It was such a beautiful ceremony, a beautiful way to honor my Gabriel.

Holiday Time

It has been a very interesting and busy time these last few days. So far I think I have been handling the holiday season well, I am even buying Christmas gifts with my husband! On Friday I spent the day with my mother in law and Garys grandparents that are in town. I also got to see my nephew Daniel, my niece Cadence and the most recent addition to the family, my nephew Rylan. To say the least I was scared and nervous about meeting this tiny baby boy, how would I react? After an evening of prayer on Thursday night I felt confident and ready by the time my sister in law dropped the kids off at Garys parents place on Friday evening. I became entranced with baby Rylan, his tiny fingers and calm sighs of content. I didn't ever want him to leave my arms! I fed him and changed him and every second he wasn't in my arms I would gaze longingly at him. The hours flew by so fast and before long Gary was off work and ready to head home. As we were saying our farewells my nephew Daniel came up to me, patted my tummy and said with a grin "Your baby is in here."
You could have heard a pin drop in the room, it was like the air was full of one huge breath in. I quickly recovered from the shock and told him that no, I didn't have a baby but he was right that babies did grow in tummys. What else are you supposed to say to a three year old?
Saturday we went to my sister in law, Alyssas, confirmation. In a room full of singing, of prayer, of bible readings I did not feel any feelings I once had. I used to believe in the catholic faith, I used to love feeling the peace that came from church but now I couldnt. I know God is working in me, but maybe it truly is a time to step back from religion and focus on just God and me, God in nature, God in my bible, God that hears my bedroom prayers.
After mass Gary and I went to the Skinny Improv with my dad, Crissy, my sister and little brother. It was great for the most part, a few details about death could have been left out of the skit but I didn't write it of course. Still a wonderful time though. We went shopping for Gabriels tree afterwards and on our way to the store hot, sticky tears ran down my face. Reality came knocking and instead of gently pushing the door open it barged in with a loud scream for attention. I couldn't believe that Gabriel wasn't here, that instead of buying Christmas gifts for my son I was buying decorations for his grave. Gary held my hand as we drove, listening to my every complaint, every sentence of how unfair it was, he listened to it all and gave me comfort, love, support.
Tonight we sit here decorating Gabriels tree after a Hanukkah dinner at my dads. It felt so much like a piece of me was missing. And again, as Gary and I walked around the store looking for Christmas gifts I cried into his comforting arms.

Rambling Away

Last night I slept with my bedroom window open, it was raining so softly. Occasionally there would be a low growl of thunder but even that was relaxing to fall asleep to. I am trying to find where I fit in anymore, I feel like an odd puzzle piece that slipped into the wrong box. I find myself frequently day dreaming about how I pictured life going instead of how it really is. Even after eight months I find myself thinking that Gabriel is just somewhere else, maybe still at the hospital even. It amazes me how my heart seems to cling on to some form of hope he isn't gone. I am constantly battling between reality and fantasy. Sometimes I wish there was an easier way to handle grief, just skip all the emotional baggage and tears....but then how would we express the love we have for our angels? Most days it is still a daze, as I've said before, I look at the pictures and I am in awe at the strong woman in them. She seems so broken and yet balanced with a peace and calm almost. I still don't stare into the mirror, if I gaze for to long I am hypnotized by the woman in front of me. I don't hardly recognize myself! It is so hard to remember the good times, the happy memories I have when I planned to have so many more. I see the pictures of "baby first christmas" ornaments on Facebook and my heart aches a little more each time. I watch strollers with adorable babies inside of them and wonder what if? (What if is a very dangerous place) All around me life is carrying on, gifts are being bought, trees and lights and music...it is all so lively and yet I feel dead inside. For once I am quite content to shut the windows, turn off the lights and hibernate through the holidays, maybe even until spring. I've always loved this time of you, everyone is so happy and giving...but this year, I'm not ready to be happy. I'm not ready to remember the good when all I can think is that last year Gabriel was alive inside me...I had plans! And I am grieving the loss of those dreams and hopes...why can't people understand that?