Holiday Time

It has been a very interesting and busy time these last few days. So far I think I have been handling the holiday season well, I am even buying Christmas gifts with my husband! On Friday I spent the day with my mother in law and Garys grandparents that are in town. I also got to see my nephew Daniel, my niece Cadence and the most recent addition to the family, my nephew Rylan. To say the least I was scared and nervous about meeting this tiny baby boy, how would I react? After an evening of prayer on Thursday night I felt confident and ready by the time my sister in law dropped the kids off at Garys parents place on Friday evening. I became entranced with baby Rylan, his tiny fingers and calm sighs of content. I didn't ever want him to leave my arms! I fed him and changed him and every second he wasn't in my arms I would gaze longingly at him. The hours flew by so fast and before long Gary was off work and ready to head home. As we were saying our farewells my nephew Daniel came up to me, patted my tummy and said with a grin "Your baby is in here."
You could have heard a pin drop in the room, it was like the air was full of one huge breath in. I quickly recovered from the shock and told him that no, I didn't have a baby but he was right that babies did grow in tummys. What else are you supposed to say to a three year old?
Saturday we went to my sister in law, Alyssas, confirmation. In a room full of singing, of prayer, of bible readings I did not feel any feelings I once had. I used to believe in the catholic faith, I used to love feeling the peace that came from church but now I couldnt. I know God is working in me, but maybe it truly is a time to step back from religion and focus on just God and me, God in nature, God in my bible, God that hears my bedroom prayers.
After mass Gary and I went to the Skinny Improv with my dad, Crissy, my sister and little brother. It was great for the most part, a few details about death could have been left out of the skit but I didn't write it of course. Still a wonderful time though. We went shopping for Gabriels tree afterwards and on our way to the store hot, sticky tears ran down my face. Reality came knocking and instead of gently pushing the door open it barged in with a loud scream for attention. I couldn't believe that Gabriel wasn't here, that instead of buying Christmas gifts for my son I was buying decorations for his grave. Gary held my hand as we drove, listening to my every complaint, every sentence of how unfair it was, he listened to it all and gave me comfort, love, support.
Tonight we sit here decorating Gabriels tree after a Hanukkah dinner at my dads. It felt so much like a piece of me was missing. And again, as Gary and I walked around the store looking for Christmas gifts I cried into his comforting arms.