This holiday season Gary and I decided that in memory of Gabriel we would pick out two children to buy gifts for off the tree at Walmart. We chose a four month old baby boy and a nine month old baby boy (since this month will be Gabriels nine month angelversary). I was so happy we could do this for babies to help make their Christmas even a tiny bit better!
Yesterday was a pretty rough day though, I sat at home and ate snack after snack trying to fill a void in myself. It was the first time in months that I considered suicide again, I didn't dwell on it but the thought popped up quite a bit. In the evening I cried in Garys arms, I screamed into my pillow...the overwhelming sense of emptyness eased with my cries. I didn't get a chance to have a repeat of yesterday thankfully. Gary decided he would text my mom and have her come get me shortly after he went to work. I finished wrapping presents and sat around the house with my mom, her boyfriend and one of my sisters.
In the afternoon I got a call from my dad, he asked if he could come pick me up to see Gabriels tree at the cemetery. My little brother had an amazing idea while he was helping cut a Christmas tree up at my grandparents, he wanted to get one for baby Gabe! My dad, stepmom, and brother took it out to the cemetery where they added garland, tiny ornaments and a bow on the top. My heart just melted as I saw the tree and quickly grabbed Max for a big bear squeeze.
"Your my favorite brother!"
"Im your ONLY brother!"
Tomorrow will be bitter sweet but as always I am vowing to take it one breath at a time.
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