Rambling Away

Last night I slept with my bedroom window open, it was raining so softly. Occasionally there would be a low growl of thunder but even that was relaxing to fall asleep to. I am trying to find where I fit in anymore, I feel like an odd puzzle piece that slipped into the wrong box. I find myself frequently day dreaming about how I pictured life going instead of how it really is. Even after eight months I find myself thinking that Gabriel is just somewhere else, maybe still at the hospital even. It amazes me how my heart seems to cling on to some form of hope he isn't gone. I am constantly battling between reality and fantasy. Sometimes I wish there was an easier way to handle grief, just skip all the emotional baggage and tears....but then how would we express the love we have for our angels? Most days it is still a daze, as I've said before, I look at the pictures and I am in awe at the strong woman in them. She seems so broken and yet balanced with a peace and calm almost. I still don't stare into the mirror, if I gaze for to long I am hypnotized by the woman in front of me. I don't hardly recognize myself! It is so hard to remember the good times, the happy memories I have when I planned to have so many more. I see the pictures of "baby first christmas" ornaments on Facebook and my heart aches a little more each time. I watch strollers with adorable babies inside of them and wonder what if? (What if is a very dangerous place) All around me life is carrying on, gifts are being bought, trees and lights and music...it is all so lively and yet I feel dead inside. For once I am quite content to shut the windows, turn off the lights and hibernate through the holidays, maybe even until spring. I've always loved this time of you, everyone is so happy and giving...but this year, I'm not ready to be happy. I'm not ready to remember the good when all I can think is that last year Gabriel was alive inside me...I had plans! And I am grieving the loss of those dreams and hopes...why can't people understand that?