Yesterday was Gabriels 8 month angelversary, as always it was a bitter sweet day. I took it really hard, I cried a lot more than I have been. It hit me just how much I am missing. I have friends who post about little ones that were born around the time Gabriel was, their babies are starting to talk and crawl and even stand! I do not hold a grudge against anyone nor am I envious or jealous of their posts...some days it hits so hard though. For a while I felt like I was doing good, I felt like I was taking my first steps forward...but now I feel like I am slipping into a hole, the light is only fading and I am becoming less and less hopeful. I am lost. I feel like yet again I am merely surviving...what I am doing right now is not living. I don't want to forget him, but I wish I could just forget it all for even a few months. I wish I didn't have to feel the pain, I wish I could just wake up and find out I was stuck in a horrible coma and this was all a dream. I want the pain to go away, it isn't fair that Gabriel had to die! I want so badly to change the outcome, even though deep down I know I can't. This heart ache, this dizzying spiral of despair, is cruel and inhumane. How can I just accept this and go on? It is so surreal, and now that Gary and I are falling back into life as a couple instead of a family, it makes it seem more and more unlikely that Gabriel existed. Why does the human mind do this? Why can't I accept this? I don't know if this is normal, I know everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time...but why can't I accept this?
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