Day 31: Sunset
October 31,2012
I can't even believe this project is already over! I captured an absolutely beautiful sunset with none other than my amazing husband and son. We lit up his pumpkins again for Halloween, most of the day I have been sleeping but when I was awake I couldn't stop dwelling on everything. It hurt to see all the Facebook pictures of mommy's and daddy's with their little ones all dressed up, I could only image what Star Wars character Gary would have put on Gabriel. 7 months is really hitting me though, it hurts to breathe anymore. How? Why? Questions that have no answers. I am finding more peace with God but this burden of pain and heart ache is only seeming to intensify. I wish I could see his smile! I wish I could have just one dream where he is alive, but he never is alive in my dreams. I hope to see a psychic medium soon, I want to see what she has to say and maybe I can get some peace of mind! It amazes me how much love is trapped in my heart for Gabriel, I barely got any time with him after he was born but despite the shock and hurt I managed to open my heart in a way I can't even describe. I didn't get to hear him cry but the moment I saw him he was my everything, he is beautiful. I wish so badly I could have spent a lifetime with him, instead I got 38.5 weeks with him, and in that time he changed me. He fulfilled a purpose that he was sent to, I am still trying to figure it out but tonight Clyde may have pointed me in just the direction I need. It accomplishes all I have been asking for, a way to memorialize him and help others. Please God, give me a sign that this is your purpose for me. You have blessed me with a beautiful life surrounded by people that love me ans care for me. Everything you do is divine, thank you for the strength you give me daily, to keep going despite my narrow sighted vision.
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