Today Gary and I spent the day running errands, trying to find our own car, and being out of the house. As of today it has been six years since we first started dating, it is still hard to believe how fast time flies by! I've noticed that most days it still feels surreal that Gabriel even existed, or that he is gone. I look at pictures and it feels like a dream, I find myself wondering if it is really us in those pictures. I am finding that I don't feel like I fit anywhere, I don't blend in well with all the mothers my age and it seems that less and less I fit in with the M.E.N.D. friends I have. The women I mostly see outside of the support group had early miscarriages, a very different loss than my own. No matter what, we have all lost a beautiful life that was wanted and is loved...but each loss has its own obstacles we have to overcome. I wish I had more people that suffered stillbirths to turn to, they understand what it is like to face the struggles Gary and I do. I thought I had a really good friend, but it turns out that may not be the case...despite my efforts to be a supportive and good friend it just wasn't enough. It seems like I've done nothing right, instead offended her non stop. If anything I am ready for 2012 to be over, it has been the worst year of my life to date...and though sprinkled with blessings there has been so much negative I am wanting to move forward.
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