M.E.N.D. Christmas Candlelight Ceremony

Last night was the third annual M.E.N.D. Christmas Candlelight Ceremony. It was my first experience with anything like this. The church was decorated beautifully, as we walked through the door we were given a candle, a program, and a beautiful handmade ornament. Gary and I quickly found a seat and before long the ceremony started. Our Chapter leader, Heather, opened the ceremony with a few quick words and the pastor of the church said a prayer. Next was the lighting of the M.E.N.D. candles, four of our committee members stood and one lit a candle for babies lost to miscarriage, the next was lit for babies lost to stillbirth, the next for babies lost shortly after birth and the last was left unlit for the families of lost babies that will join us in 2013. My heart ached at the thought that as years go by more families will join us, I wished in that moment that the women, and men, that will join us didn't have to. I wished they wouldn't know this pain, that somehow 2013 would bring not a single loss and every child conceived would come home with their parents. I thought back to last year around this time, I was still so happy and my pregnancy was showing. Gabriel was kicking and growing beautifully...last year that candle was left unlit for me, and I had no idea. The next part of the ceremony was Heathers husband giving an inspirational speech about finding hope during the Christmas season, followed by a beautiful song called "The Anchor Holds" performed by a man with such an amazing voice. Now it was time. I watched as each family took a turn at the front of the church. They would light their candle from the big one that was lit at the beginning of the ceremony and say into a microphone who that candle was lit in memory of. I watched tears fall, I heard voices full of pain, I saw people who composed themselves long enough to sit down and pull out the tissues. When our turn came I let Gary introduce our son. I was okay, I was doing good until I sat down in my seat and stared at my lit candle. It hit me, the tears fell as I realized this candle was lit in memory of my son. The same son I had planned on having a lifetime of memories with, not just a handful. With tears still falling we stood to sing silent night as a congregation. I cried even harder when around me the words "sleep in heavenly peace" were sang, I wasn't expecting that sort of reaction to a song about birth. The ending was a prayer and we all made our way over to a gathering hall for drinks and cake. I got to catch up with a beautiful and wonderful woman that lost her precious daughter three years ago. Later in the evening as I laid wrapped up in Garys arms I cried again. It was such a beautiful ceremony, a beautiful way to honor my Gabriel.