Christmas

Christmas was full of love, family, friends and amazing food...but even amongst the happiness, my heart was heavy and full.
In the morning Gary and I opened our presents at home, I bought him a few Star Wars things he wanted and he gave me things that I had seen while we were out that he remembered me saying I liked. Telling him anything I wanted was extremely difficult this year! When faced with the task of making a small list of things I would like, I broke down in tears. Everything I could think of had to do with something to memorialize Gabriel or the standard necessities like body wash and shampoo. I thought I had been doing okay, but in that moment I truly realized just how much of myself has been lost. I thought I was figuring out who I was, what I wanted, the type of person I am...but instead I realized it has been months since I have bought anything for myself that wasn't for Gabriel or a necessity! When I thought back I had spent my allowance on small gifts for angel mommys that are my friends. It truly scared me! So much of myself has been stripped away, I don't know who I even am! Gary still managed though, buying me a coat, a small pill organizer, (both necessities I wanted) and a beautiful angel figurine I fell in love with because it reminded me of my grief journey so far.
I spent the morning with my mom, her boyfriend and my sisters. We had a yummy breakfast, opened gifts, had some family friends over and ate an absolutely amazing ham dinner! During that time my good friend Tabitha called and asked if Gary and I would be able to spend some Christmas time with her. We agreed of course. Tabitha and I were very close during our pregnancies with our boys, when she moved away to Ohio I was crushed but we have still managed to remain close friends. On the way over to see her my stomach was full of butterflies, this was going to be my first time meeting her son. I thought about canceling, about staying for five minutes only...every excuse was running through my mind all because I was terrified to see what I was missing in my life. I'm thankful I didn't cancel.
Her son is adorable, full of smiles and laughs. Again, I can't get enough of him! I get to visit with my amazing friend who is more like a sister and her kind husband. Plus they are staying with her brother who is also a mutual friend of ours, it has been great seeing all of them! We even spent yesterday together. Gabriel is heavy on my Lind, but having an adorable little boy that I can hold close in my arms is once again proving to be a comfort to my heart.