Random Thoughts Of An Evening #2

I have noticed I am very much stuck in my anger right now. I am still finding random times where I don't believe that he is gone, I find myself crying quietly, the tears barely falling from my eyes. A lot of times I am in the car when this happens so I find myself turning my head to the window so my husband won't see me doing this. On this inside I am breaking. I feel like a windshield full of cracks just waiting for the day I will shatter into a million pieces. People tell me I am strong, they say I am handling this well and that I look good but how would they know? I am going insane! My pride and joy, my son that I love with every fiber of my soul and being is dead. I will never hear him laugh, I will never hear him call out to his mommy. For hours I imagine how different my life should have been, I get lost in the memories of him for hours on end. I feel alone. Everyone else is going about life when I feel stuck. I don't fit in anywhere. For the last two days I have been exercising, trying to wear myself out and keep myself from falling apart. I am exhausted to say the least. I want to cry. I wish I had someone right now, someone to hold onto me and let me cry. I wish I could just vent, I am so tired of people telling me how I should feel or to try and be positive...I just want to cry! I want to scream at the top of my lungs! I want to feel safe. Right now I feel so vulnerable, the world just feels so big and I want to be held. I want to be cuddled in close. I want to cry and not be strong even for just a few moments. I didn't choose for this to happen, I was dealt a card that I feel was unfair. I didn't want this future! I didn't ask for this but here I am, living day after day without my baby, without the child I dreamt of every night for nine months....