Ignorance is Bliss

Last night I was emotional, I was angry, I was hurt. I had been talking to my best friend for a while, the first time we have really talked on the phone since her moving away and since having her son. I don't think I have ever felt such relief at the sound of a familiar voice, I don't think I've ever been so happy for a phone call to chase away the silence in my bedroom. We talked for a while, she had a small break away from home while her husband watched the baby and was on her way to get dinner. She talked about all the "new mommy complaints", I listened patiently. I kept wondering, what does it feel like to be kept awake by baby cries? What does it feel like to look into the eyes of your baby? What am I missing out on? 

Our conversation continued, she told me about a conversation she had with another woman she knows, back when I had just lost Gabriel. The woman had asked my friend if she was worried about losing her son like I had. My friend was honest with me, she said she laughed a little and said no. When asked why she said she knew she wouldn't lose her baby, she knew with all the extra testing at the end of her pregnancy that her son would be fine. She told me she knew what was happening with her body. I told her about how I had extra testing also, that it was as simple as Gabriel having a heartbeat on the Thursday before and by the next Wednesday it was gone. Not to mention he had already been passed for a couple days. We finished talking and hung up when she got home.

I was sitting in my room, laying in bed when it hit me what she had said. I was overcome with anger, did she think I didn't know what was going on with my body? Did she think I deserved this fate? Of course irrational thoughts were flying through my head at this point. I was hurt most of all though, why would she tell me about this conversation in particular? Why now instead of later? Oh I was a mess...though all my frustrations and anger turned into the best workout I've had yet. I couldn't quiet my mind though. I played over every detail of the incident, over and over in my mind, trying to find the slightest detail that would have changed this. I kept asking, did I cause Gabriel to die? Is my friend a better mother than me? 

By the end of the night and my workout I felt torn up inside, I felt vulnerable and weak. How could a simple conversation do this to me? I wish I had a chance to be woken up at night with Gabriel's cries, I wish I could catch every smile in a picture. His death has taught me to cherish life though. I know if he had lived, if he was here...I would have no idea what it would be like to miss him. I wouldn't have a deep appreciation for the memories I share with him. I would take every day for granted still because I would have no idea of how to live otherwise. I wouldn't know what it was like...I wouldn't understand why a woman might gaze longingly at my son. I wouldn't be able to offer help to those who have gone through a devastating loss like my own. I wouldn't know how to be this strong...my sons short life has given me more insights and a greater awareness of the world around me. Every day something new is revealed...

Since yesterday I have talked things out with my friend and we have agreed to not let this destroy our friendship. Ive explained my feelings and she has hers. I love her like a sister, she is apart of my family as much as I am hers. She wouldn't have known what she said would hurt me, I had no idea until after I was off the phone with her. Grief, as I have said before, can be an necessary inconvenience.