Rough Day

Today was extremely difficult. I am amazed how many times in a day I sit there and say to myself,"wow...my baby is dead." I am surprised that I still am in shock over this, I would think it would be getting a little easier but I appear to be wrong. I am struggling with a lot of blame and guilt, I blame myself for Gabriel's death even though we did no testing to find out if there was a cause. Knowing that he passed while still inside of me is so hard! I feel guilty for not taking better care of myself during the pregnancy too. The doctors told me he was doing well, his heart beat was always great. They expressed concern for his size but said that the size of a baby is not a medical reason to take them early. My question is why not? There is only so much room in a persons for body to grow a little one and if they start to run out of room why wouldn't it be a good enough reason? I remember the last time I felt him move. It was March 26th, a monday evening and my husband and I had just finished a huge argument. We were both extremely exhausted, a family friend had passed and their funeral service had been earlier that day. We only had one week left before we were scheduled to have Gabriel via c-section. My husband had locked me out of our room in an attempt to drown out my annoying nagging, which I admit, became very apparent at the end of my pregnancy. In a mess of tears and anger I grabbed the truck keys and took off on a drive, not far, to a local Wendy's. I sat in the parking lot rubbing my huge round tummy, the tears falling fast. I told him how much I loved him, how everything was going to be okay. I whispered how I couldn't wait to meet him, that I was sorry he had to hear Daddy and I fighting. His last kick was faint, his foot slowly stretched out against my hand and I ran my fingers along the bottom of it. Instead of the normal quick withdrawal and kick his foot slipped back and didn't come out again. I didn't know it was the last time I would feel him alive, I didn't know that I should go to the hospital and I think it was the moment he left. Today was a day that started off okay, developed into pointless arguing, working out till sweat was pouring off of me, more arguing and then both of us collapsed on our beds crying our hearts out. No parent should ever have to suffer through this.