Reality, the beginning

The shock is wearing off, each day I wake to a self that is bipolar and trapped in a never ending nightmare. I wish those around me could stop encouraging me to see the positive, I wish they would recognize my longing to just vent. My words seem repetitive to those around me, they seem to roll their eyes in annoyed frustration that I am talking, yet again, about the injustice that had been done to me. They walk on egg shells almost, treading around me, refusing to talk openly about their grief or the injustice done to them. In reality I long to hear them utter his name, I yearn to know how he impacted everyone's life, even if it is in the smallest of ways. I want to know that he still matters to people other than me, that maybe his death was just as earth shattering to them. I try to be strong though, I try to hold it in because I am sick of all the explanations of how I should look at things or how I should be feeling. I spend hours in solitude crying, my heart aching, hoping that maybe someone would hold me, even for a moment. I remember the support at the beginning, all the cards and the flowers, everyone wanting to be there...it was so much to a point of almost annoyance. Now? I feel like a forgotten rug left out in the rain, everyone scared to touch it because it may reak of mold. I am the molded rug! I do not wish this pain on those around me, I beg that no one should ever have to deal with this...I just wish they would understand. It is a cruel twist in life when a mother and father are forced to bury their child, but not only a child but a baby who passed before they had a chance to be born. How does a child die before their birthing hour? How does one pass when they have not yet taken their first breath of air? My emotions are out of control most days, it seems to be getting worse. I am angry beneath the surface, a mere wind blowing in the wrong direction can send me spinning like a tornado, leaving a trail of damage in my wake. Oh reality is cruel, it is sick and cruel and I wish this would stop!